


Bittersweet symphony

by Bex_m85



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel learns to be human again, Castiel's Loss of Angelic Grace (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester Feels, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Depressed Castiel (Supernatural), Depression, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Protective Dean Winchester, Romance, Ruins, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Self-Harm, Slow Build Castiel/Dean Winchester, Suicidal Castiel (Supernatural), Suicidal Thoughts, Witches
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:07:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 22,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23751298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bex_m85/pseuds/Bex_m85
Summary: Castiel is injured on the way back from a hunt. But that’s not all. His grace has been stolen and his chest covered in ruins carved into him. He is human again, badly injured with no idea who has his grace and why. He must also battle the demons in his head that seem heightened now that he is human again, and they don’t want him to live.Dean wants to help Sammy and Rowena track down the witches that nearly killed his best friend. But he can’t. He can’t leave Castiel alone, not when he sees the angel slip into a deep depression. While Sam and Rowena hunt down Castiel’s grace, Dean must become the light for Castiel and keep him for loosing his battle with his own demons. He soon realises the only way he can help the angel is by admitting to feelings he had learnt to bury a long time ago.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 19
Kudos: 99





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never thought i would write a Dean/Castiel fiction. But I have read so many beautiful stories that it inspired me to jump onboard this ship and have ago at writing about them. 
> 
> I also have another story that had Castiel with a female, so I am looking forward to having fun with my favourite character in completely different contexts.
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe
> 
> Bex

“Where is he?” Dean demanded, almost falling down the stairs of the bunker.

He threw the bag of shopping on the table and made a move towards the rooms in the building. 

“He’s in his room.Dean. Wait.” Sam said,, blocking his path.

“Get out my way Sam.” Dean snarled, shoving his brother hard and continuing past him.

“Dean! Please I need…”

Dean ignored his brother, slamming open the door of the room Sam had directed him too. His breath hitched in his chest as his eyes fell on the body lying still on the bed. Eyes closed tightly, blood oozing out of wounds Dean couldn’t yet see. He looked so pale…too pale.

“Cas…” Dean breathed dropping down on the side of the bed.

“Cas can you hear me?” Dean called to his friend again.

Castiel didn’t respond, he didn’t even move. Dean pressed two fingers to the angel’s neck seeking for a pulse. He let out a breath when he felt one. He was alive at least. But what the hell had happened to him? Reaching out he pulled open Castiel’s bloodied shirt, and gasped. His normally flawless skin had been carved brutally in some form of ruins, the wounds were deep.. Dean’s gaze flicked up to his friend’s pale face, a nasty head wound on the side of his head was still weeping.

“Cas….what happened.” Dean whispered.

“Now will you let me explain?” Sam asked

Dean forced his gaze away from his best friend, and fixed it on his brother. Without realising what he was doing he linked his fingers with the angel’s left hand. He needed to feel him, to be sure he was still alive and with them.

“What the hell happened Sam? You were fine, you were on you way home. And why isn’t he healing himself?” Dean fired.

Sam sighed deeply, moving around the room and taking a seat on the chair by the desk. Dean watched him and noted the bruising appearing around his brother’s right eye. He looked defeated and exhausted. 

“Sammy. What happened?” Dean asked again, this time gentler.

“We stopped to put some fuel in the car. Cas went in to grab us some refreshments. Next thing I knew he was crying out to me, telling me to run. To leave him. Obviously I didn’t. I went into the shop. Found him pinned down on the counter, his shirt open and they were just…they were just slicing into him. Chanting something. I don’t know. I didn’t understand what they were saying, I couldn’t register, all I could think about was Cas. I tried to stop them…”

“Them? What were they Sam?” Dean interrupted. Sam shrugged.

“They were cloaked Dean. I didn’t know who they were, but they were strong. Maybe witches? Gods I honestly don’t know. But they took his grace. That’s why he isn’t healing.” Sam finished.

Dean stayed silent letting Sam’s words wash over him. Castiel had lost his grace again, but why would anyone want to steal it this time? What did these monsters want with an angel’s life force. Dean didn’t have the answers but he was damn well going to find them. 

A groan caused both Sam and Dean to turn their attention to the bed. Dean held his breath as Castiel let out another low moan, before his eyes fluttered open revealing the blue eyes Dean never thought he would be so pleased to see. His relief was short lived at the look in them, they were dull and so full of pain. 

“Sammy will you go and get some things to clean and stitch these wound?” Dean asked, not taking his eyes of Cas.

Sam didn’t say anything, instead he got up and left quickly doing as Dean asked. Dean smiled down at his friend, squeezing his hand slightly as he did.

“Hey buddy. You gave us quite a scare. How are you feeling?” Dean asked.

“I’m fine Dean.” Cas muttered attempting to pull himself up to a more upright position.

“Steady Cas. You’re pretty badly injured.” 

“Help me up Dean.” Cas said.

Dean sighed deeply, but did as he was asked, gripping Castiel around the arms and carefully helping him into a sitting position, trying to ignore the feel of Cas’s muscles under his touch. Shaking his head slightly to push away the feelings that always threatened to rear their ugly head whenever Cas was injured, in trouble or had been missing for a while, or any time he had Dean worried. Which was all the time lately Dean realised. 

Castiel hissed in pain as he leant his head agains the headboard, his eyes closing again. Dean pushed the panic that was rising back down. This wasn’t good. The fact Castiel was exhausted from just pulling himself into a sitting position worried him. Dean felt pressure on his arm, and he glanced down to see Cas had a hand on it. Returning his eyes back to his friend’s face, he saw those blue eyes staring back at him, a ghost of a smile on his lips.

“I’m okay Dean.” Castiel assured him quietly.

“I hate to say this Cas. But you really aren’t. And I need you to accept that, and let us look after you and get you better.” Dean replied, just as Sam came back in with supplies needed to clean the angel up, and ty and put his skin back together.

Dean reached into the bowl of warm water, grabbing the cloth and moving to try and clean the blood from the wounds so that Sam had a better chance of knowing where to stitch. His hand was stopped by Cas as he pushed it away.

“I don’t need this stuff. I can heal myself.” Castiel told him.

Before Dean or Sam could stop him Castiel brought his hand to rest over one of his wounds. Dean felt his heart break slightly as realisation hit the angel when no glowing light came from his hand. Confusion flooded Castiel’s eyes as they darted between Dean and Sam. Dean could see the panic rising as Castiel’s breathes quickened.

“Cas. Calm down okay. Deep breathes. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to figure this out.” Dean tried to assure him.

“What’s happened to my grace? Why can’t I heal myself?” Castiel whispered

“Dean I need you to hold him still so I can treat his wounds. Need to get them clean before they get infected.” Sam said,

Dean nodded, wrapping his arm around his friend’s shoulders, pulling him close to him, his other hand finding one of Cas’s squeezing it tightly.

“I’m sorry Cas. Whoever did this to you took your grace. But we will figure it out I promise.” Dean soothed.

It took Sam a good hour to clean, and stitch Castiel up. By the time he was done the angel was slumped against Dean, his body shaking and covered in sweat from the pain. He had refused the offer of alcohol despite Dean’s pleading. Dean was surprised he was even conscious, if only just. Dean placed his hand against Castiel’s head, he was burning up already.

“Sam did they do anything else to him?” 

Sam shook his head leaning back in the chair, his own face mirroring Dean’s concern.

“Not that I know of. It could just be the pain and the shock. He needs to rest Dean.” Sam replied, standing.

Dean nodded, moving slightly to lay Cas back down. A hand reached out to grab his, glazed blue eyes gazed unseeingly up at him.

“Help me Dean. Help me get my grace back.” Cas begged him.

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat, nodding as he gripped Cas’s hand tightly. 

“I promise. Get some rest Cas.”

“Will you stay please.” Cas asked. 

Dean glanced up at Sam, who smiled sadly. Dean sighed letting go of Cas’s hand and moving round to the chair Sam had just vacated. Taking a seat resting his feet on the bed, he flashed Cas a small smile.

“I’m not going anywhere buddy. You’re safe. Now rest.” Dean assured him.

Castiel’s eyes closed and he fell quickly into unconsciousness. Sam lingered in the doorway watching him for a moment, before his gaze settled on Dean.

“I think he was hoping for more than you just sitting on a chair Dean.” Sam told him, smirking slightly.

“What’s that meant to mean?” Dean bristled.

Sam just shook his head.

“Nothing. I’m going to go an see if I can’t figure something out on these monsters that did this to Cas. Sleep well Dean.” 

Then he was gone, and Dean was left alone to stare at the angel lying on the bed. Castiel shivered slightly in his sleep. Dean stood pulling the blanket round him. He had to admit the bed was most certainly appealing, and it was double so room enough for two of them. But he didn’t want to hurt Cas any more, and so he took the other pillow and the spare blanket and opted for the floor. They had to figure out how to get Castiel’s grace back. He was weak, and just because the wounds had been treated didn’t put him out of the clear. Dean had seen men succumb to less, and Castiel was more vulnerable as they had no idea how a celestial being without his healing power would deal with the trauma to his body. 

“It’ll be okay.” Dean muttered into the silence 

It had to the okay, Dean wasn’t ready to let Cas go, his heart wouldn’t let him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I am having more fun with this story than I would. 
> 
> Thank you for the support guys.
> 
> Stay safe
> 
> Bex  
> X

Dean was woken suddenly in the early hours of the morning by a weight bearing down on his stomach. Letting out a groan, his hand reaching out until it came into contact with the thing that had trodden on him. 

“Dean?” 

“Damn it Cas. What are you doing awake?” 

Dean felt the pressure leave his stomach as Castiel pulled his leg back quickly, allowing him to pull himself up, stumbling blindly to the wall he flicked the light on. Castiel hissed, cowering away from it and Dean realised that he was still suffering from concussion and that light no doubt hurt him. Quickly he flicked it back off, instead opting to open the door and let in the dim light of the night lights in the bunker halls.

“Better?” Dean asked, sitting on the bed next to Castiel.

“A bit.” Castiel muttered.

“Are you okay? Where were you off to?” 

“I need to go to the bathroom.” Castiel answered quietly. “I guess I really am human again.”

Dean noted the sadness in his words, and he reached out placing a hand to his friend’s shoulder. He remembered how Castiel had been when he was human last time. How he had struggled, how much Dean had let him suffer alone. Not this time. He wouldn’t leave his friend’s side.

“Cas. This won’t be like last time. We will get your grace back, and you won’t be on your own.” Dean assured him.

“Thanks Dean.” 

Dean watched as Castiel made to move, he pulled himself to his feet unsteadily. Hunching slightly, his arm wrapping around his body. Dean moved to support him, his own arm slipping across Castiel’s bare back resting on his shoulder. 

“I got you buddy, come on let me help you.” Dean said gently. 

“You know I can walk by myself.” Castiel replied, a small smile dancing on his lips.

Dean felt his heart flutter, and he cursed himself silently pushing those feelings firmly back down. He had learnt to harbour them. Not daring to act on his true feelings for the angel. But the recent events was making that harder to do.

“Didn’t look like it. But I wont be holding you up while you do your business.” Dean told him.

Castiel didn’t reply, as they moved slowly towards the bathroom. Dean could feel the angel weakening with each step, and once again he felt the heat radiating off him. They would need to get him some medication come morning to cap the fever that was threatening before it got bad. 

“I’ll wait for you outside.” Dean said.

He let Castiel go and watched as he made his way unsteadily into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Dean let out a long breath. He was worried about the physical wounds yes, but not as much as he was worried about the damage inside Castiel’s head. Once he started to get stronger he would struggle with the fact he was human again, and that thought alone pained Dean. He just hoped Sam had found something that they could act on before he had headed to bed.

****************************

Castiel placed a hand on either side of the basin to steady himself. He brought his gaze up to look in the mirror, dull blue eyes stared back at him. He looked like death, and he felt like it too. Shakily he turned on the tap splashing cold water against his face trying to cool his body down. He could feel himself getting sick already and he hated that he was a weak human. He felt empty. He knew it wouldn’t be long before the monsters in his head would begin to taunt him. It was easy to banish them when he was an angel, but in moments of weakness and when he had been human before the voices had been ever present. 

Taking a shaky breath he switched the tap off and turned towards the door. His hand never leaving the wall, using it as support to get him back to Dean. He shuddered slightly at the thought of the hunter. The way he had been so tentative towards him over the last few hours. He hadn’t expected to find him sleeping on the floor next to him, and it had been a nice surprise. Castiel just wished Dean had stayed on the bed with him, like he had been when Sam had been treating his wounds. It had felt nice. Castiel had never hidden his feelings towards Dean. From the moment he had been asked to pull him from hell, he had fallen for the hunter. It had taken a few painful years for him to realise that his feelings of love were not returned in the same way. He was family to Dean and that was all. Nothing else. Castiel was at peace with that now. But he wasn’t about to turn down the affection he was suddenly getting. 

“Cas? I got you buddy.” Dean greeted him as he opened the door.

Castiel stumbled into Dean, suddenly feeling exhausted. He shuddered as Dean wrapped his arms around him, taking his full weight as he guided them back to Castiel’s room. Castiel’s head span dangerously, he gripped Dean’s side tighter, black starting to cloud his vision.

“Dean. I don’t….somethings wrong.” Castiel muttered.

“You’re sick Cas. I don’t know maybe you picked up an infection, or your body isn’t handling the trauma. You’ve been through a lot, but it’s going to be okay.” 

Castiel could hear the doubt in Dean’s voice even through the haze that was starting to take him. He dropped down on his bed closing his eyes instantly willing the room to stop spinning. He felt Dean slide in next to him, pulling him close. He could sense the worry in his friend. The fact that Dean was at his side, holding him protectively didn’t fill him with much hope, but he was too tired to speak.

“Rest Cas. We will talk more in the morning.” Was the last thing he heard before he let unconsciousness take him.

******************************

Dean stumbled into the kitchen blurry eyed a few hours later. He pulled open the cupboards in search for some medication. He had been forced to leave the bed he had a fallen asleep because of the heat coming from Castiel. In just a few short hours the angel had gotten worse, and Dean was worried. His wounds hadn’t looked infected, which only left one other conclusion, the monsters they were dealing with had done something else to him.

“Dean?” 

Dean turned at the sound of his name finding his brother stood in the doorway watching him. Dean flashed him a tired smile, noting that his brother looked like he hadn’t slept much that night either.

“Morning Sammy. You didn’t sleep well ether?” Dean asked.

He finally located the pills, grabbing a glass he poured a glass of water, ready to take it back to Castiel. Hoping that this would help a little until he had a chance to get to the shops and get more. 

“Not really. How is Cas?” 

“Not good. Sammy are you sure they didn’t do anything else to him? He’s burning up something rotten, but his wounds don’t look infected. I’m worried that there is something else going on.” Dean questioned.

“I honestly don’t know Dean. But I have someone here that I think might be able to shed a bit of light on the situation.” 

“Who?” 

“Hello Dean. Sam called, said you needed my help. And how could I resist helping the cute angel.” 

Dean flicked his gaze to Sam before it settled on the red headed petite form of Rowena. If Sam had called her then that meant his brother was certain they were dealing with witchcraft. Dean wasn’t sure if this was a good thing or not. At least they knew what monster they had to kill. But clearly these witches were stronger than what they had faced before. 

“Rowena. Nice to see you again.” Dean bit out a reply.

He didn’t have a problem so much with the witch, but he didn’t exactly trust her. She didn’t do things without a price, and he didn’t want to imagine what this would cost them. Not that he cared too much, if it meant they could help Cas he would pretty much do anything right at that moment,

“Skip the pleasantries Dean. I need to see Castiel. I want to see this ruins see if I can’t figure them out.” Rowena said. 

Dean was about to reply when a cry of pure pain and terror rang out through the the bunker. Dean chucked the glass he had been holding onto the counter with the pills before rushing back into Castiel’s room. Rowena and Sam were right behind him.

“Cas? Oh god. Okay. Buddy you need to talk to me. Castiel can you hear me?” Dean called to him.

He tried to grab hold of Castiel, but the angel was thrashing around too much. He was clutching his body, and Dean could see blood seeping out through his fingers. 

“Sam! Help me.” Dean demanded.

Sam scooted round the other side of the bed. Both of them reached for Castiel’s hands, forcing them away from his body. Dean felt sick. Somehow his wounds had been ripped open, bleeding freely. Castiel was writhing in pain. His blue eyes open but unseeing, glazed over in panic. Dean threw a desperate look at Rowena, surprised when he saw pure terror on her face.

“Rowena. Do something. Please stop this. Help him.” Dean begged her. 

“Dean. I can’t…this is dark magic….”

“Do something!” Dean shouted.

“You need to hold him still. Dean I need you to calm him.” Rowena told him as she approached the bed.

Dean glanced at Sam, who gave him a slight nod. Dean let go of Castiel’s hand, Sam leaning over slightly to hold it down as Dean climbed onto the bed, grabbing Castiel’s face forcing it gently to turn to him. To his relief Castiel’s eyes locked with his. He was terrified and in pain, and it took all of Dean’s will not to lose it.

“Cas you need to listen to me. You need to lay still. Rowena can help you. But not like this. Can you calm for me please.” Dean begged him.

Castiel stilled almost instantly. Sam cautiously let go of his arms, glancing up at Dean as he did so. Dean just nodded at his brother, he knew Castiel would stay still, he was tired, he didn’t have the strength to fight any more. Dean allowed himself another glance at his wounds, the stitches had been torn apart, it was bad and he was aware of the blood oozing out from them.

“Rowena. Fix this.” Dean hissed.

Rowena stepped up to the bed, Dean didn’t move keeping a hold of Castiel as Rowena started chanting, her hands positioned over his body moving over the wounds. It seemed like a lifetime, but eventually Rowena managed to stop the bleeding. Castiel had passed out long before she had finished. 

Dean lay him down carefully, Sam had disappeared, only just reappearing with the stuff needed to re stitch Castiel up. Dean turned to the witch, while Sam got to work. He wanted answers.

“What the hell was that? Was that magic? Did they just manage to tear open his wounds and try to kill him again? From inside the bunker? How…what are these people.” Dean fired.

“Let’s get him sorted shall we and then we can talk.” Rowena replied quietly.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for the amazing response to this story. Honestly its means a lot. I’m really enjoying this and exploring the characters a bit more.
> 
> I promise Castiel will wake in the next chapter. I’m missing the angel too.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe.
> 
> Bex  
> X

“Here get him to drink this.” 

Dean hadn’t even realised that Rowena had left the room. He had been too obsessed with watching the rise and fall of Castiel’s chest, scared that if he took his eyes off him then Castiel would stop breathing. Would leave them. Sam had worked fast, but carefully to stitch the angel back up, they couldn’t risk him losing any more blood. If he did, they would have to consider taking him to a hospital and as far as Dean was concerned that was not an option. He wasn’ t prepared to deal with the questions that would come.

“What is that?” Dean asked.

He eyed up the glass Rowena held out to him, the teal liquid glowing brightly made Dean fell uneasy. He glanced back down at Castiel, his eyes still closed as he shuddered slightly. Dean wasn’t sure if it was due to the fever or the pain, or both. 

“It will help bring his fever down, and it will help him sleep and heal. I’ve made up a batch. You will need to give him this same amount morning and night for the next two days.” Rowena explained.

Dean reached out taking the glass, sharing a look with Sam who simply shrugged in response. Dean sighed taking a seat on the side of the bed once again. He reached over placing his hand against Castiel’s cheek, gentle so as not to startle him. He felt Castiel respond to his touch, pressing into it seeking the warmth and comfort. Dean waited patiently for the angel to open his eyes. Finally Castiel did, his blues shinning with fever.

“Cas mate I need you to drink this for me.” Dean told him quietly.

Dean was grateful when Sam moved to help Castiel into a more upright position. Dean placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder bringing the glass to his lips. Castiel took a small sip of the liquid spluttering as he did so. He pushed the glass away weakly, but Dean brought it back to his lips, noting the look on Rowena’s face, he understood. Castiel needed to drink it all for it to work.

“You need to drink it all Cas. It will make you feel better.” Dean coaxed. 

Castiel locked eyes with Dean and for a moment Dean was left breathless. Despite the pain held in them, Dean could see the trust too. He smiled slightly at his friend, feeling Castiel place a shaky, sweaty hand around his own guiding the glass to his mouth. He downed it quickly, before pushing both Sam and Dean away from him, sliding back down onto the bed, closing his eyes as he did so. Dean picked up the blanket that had been thrown to the floor in Castiel’s fit, placing it back over the angel. He stepped back letting out a shaky breath, running a hand over his face. 

“How long till it works?” Sam broke the silence.

“It’s already worked. It has a sedative in it. He will sleep now till the morning.” Rowena replied. 

“What’s going on Rowena? What are we dealing with?” Sam asked.

Dean didn’t speak, he let Sam ask the questions. Instead he focused once more on the rise and fall of Castiel’s chest. The feelings he had fought so hard to hide were coming to the surface and he knew that Rowena and Sam saw it, and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that he was beyond worried about Castiel. He didn’t care what it would have looked like, the way he had tentatively placed a hand to Castiel’s cheek to wake him. The way his breath had caught and his heart had fluttered when he had seen the trust in his blue eyes. Right now Castiel was dying. That was the reality. Without his grace, and they not knowing what torture these witches could do to him, the angel was so close to be taken and Dean wasn’t ready. He had so much he should have told Castiel, and he decided that should he come out the other side of this he would be honest with Castiel. He would admit his feelings even if Castiel didn’t feel the same.

“Dean.” 

Dean shook his head slightly, Sam’s voice breaking through he thoughts. He forced his gaze away from the sleeping man fixing it on where his brother and Rowena were stood against the wall, both looking at him with concern. He felt a heat creep over his cheeks, to their credit neither of them commented on it.

“I’m sorry. What were you saying?” Dean asked

“I was saying this is of a dark magic even I wouldn’t dare dabble in. I feel like this a personal attack. Whether it be on Castiel alone or the angels that are left. I need to do some digging.” Rowena replied.

The look on her face told Dean that she was repeating herself and he shifted slightly under her gaze, feeling a little guilty for not paying attention. Her words caused him to frown. They didn’t have time for her to disappear, Castiel was in danger. This needed to be sorted now.

“You can’t just leave us. What if they do that again to him? Next time they might just get what they want Rowena. Next time they will kill him.” Dean snapped.

“When I stopped his bleeding I placed a cloaking spell on him. It will last till I return, and it will give him time to heal.” 

“Oh you think it’s just the physical wounds that we are dealing with?” Dean spat.

“Dean enough.” Sam warned.

Dean caught his brother’s eye, he saw the meaning in them, he knew Sam was telling him to keep his mouth shut. Rowena was their only hope of helping Castiel, Dean couldn’t risk pushing her away. Not this time. He threw his hands up in defeat, before turning his back to them again, returning his watchful gaze back on the man laying on the bed. That was what he was now, a man. Human like Sam and Dean.

“I’ll be back in less the a week. The spell will hold until I return I promise. Just remember to give him the potion I made, and look after him. I will see you in a few days.” Rowena said.

Dean knew she was speaking more to Sam than him. He didn’t care, he just wanted her to go so that she could come back and tell them just what the hell was going. Dean hated all this uncertainty especially when someone he loved was the one in danger. He reached for Castiel’s hand again, resting his forehead against it. 

“You got to hang in there for us buddy. Please.” He whispered.

*******************

Dean didn’t know how long he had been sat on the edge of Castiel’s bed for. His hand still entwined in Castiel’s. He cursed himself over and over that something like this was what had been needed for him to stop being a coward. To not shy away from his feelings. He wondered if Castiel felt the same? He doubted it and the thought alone made his chest clench painfully. He was a Celestial being, why would he even look at a mere human that way. He was powerful, and beautiful. A force of nature and something Dean could never compete with.

“Rowena will figure it out Dean.”

Dean jumped, having not heard Sam approach. He was stood outside Castiel’s room, two glasses of whisky in his hand. He smiled at Dean indicating for him to step away from the bed. Dean hesitated at first, not wanting to leave Castiel, but Rowena had assured them that the spell would protect him, and that he would sleep till morning. He let go of Castiel’s hand, resisting the urge to brush his lips against his forehead He left the room taking the offered glass from his brother, taking a sip of the amber liquid, letting it slide down his throat, the slight burn helping a little. Sliding down the wall he found himself sat on the floor just outside the room, his head resting against the wall. Sam joined him.

“What if she doesn’t Sammy?” Dean voiced his thoughts.

“She will, and if she doesn’t we will. We promised Cas we would help him get his grace back, that we would figure this out and we will.” Sam replied.

“We didn’t last time though did we? We cast him out, turned our backs on him and nearly lost him Sam. What if we fail him again?” Dean whispered, trying to fight the tears that were threatening.

“Last time was different Dean.” Sam reminded him quietly.

Dean didn’t say anything, instead he took another sip of his drink. His mind dancing back to the last time Castiel had lost his grace, and how they hadn’t helped him. For some reason he knew that this time was going to be harder for Castiel to accept, and it terrified him that they had no idea how he would be when he woke up.

“How long?”

Dean flicked his gaze onto his brother. Confused at Sam’s question. 

“What do you mean how long?”

“How long have you been in love with him?” Sam asked gently. 

Dean swallowed heavily. He wasn’t sure he wanted to have this conversation with Sam right now, but the look in his brother’s eyes told him that they were going to talk about this.There was no judgement, Sam knew and he supported him. Dean shook his head, not really knowing the answer to that question himself.

“I don’t know.” He replied honestly.

“Maybe you should stay here with Cas? When Rowena comes back it’s obvious that we are going to have to go hunting for his grace…”

“Cas won’t stay here while you are out hunting for his life force Sam.” Dean interrupted him.

“He won’t have a choice Dean. Those wounds are not going to heal in a week. It’s going to take Cas a good while before he’s strong enough to hunt with us again.” Sam pointed out.

“You think he’s going to care about that? When has it ever stopped him before.” Dean fired.

Truth be told he wasn’t ready to be left alone with Castiel, not with these feelings bubbling far too close to surface. He was suddenly regretting his vow to confess his true feelings to Castiel, and he felt himself back track on his promise to himself. What had he been thinking? It had been in a moment of panic, that’s all it was. When Castiel woke up he would just push them back down and ignore them. He could feel Sam’s gaze boring into him and he knew Sam could read him, he hated that.

“It hasn’t but that was when he was…you know…him. But he can’t heal himself Dean. He can’t protect himself right now, and you will be the only one that he will listen to.” Sam told him.

Dean snorted. Castiel had never listened to him, not of late anyway. He was always off doing something stupid and going against all he had been told to do, changing up their plans and almost getting himself killed. It was like he was on a permanent suicide mission, maybe he was. Was Castiel depressed? Could angels suffer that? Dean felt another wave of guilt rush through him, if they could and Castiel felt he couldn’t speak to either of them… That was another issue they would have to address when he woke. If he woke.

“Cas doesn’t listen to me.”

“He does Dean. More than you know, and besides if we aren’t around you can talk to him about, everything.” Sam said casually, taking a sip of his drink.

“Talk to him about what?” 

“Come on Dean. You love the guy, you have done for a long time. And he loves you. That I know, he has from the moment he saved you, it’s just taken you a while to catch up.” Sam shrugged.

“Now I know you’re a talking bullshit. Castiel is an angel Sam. A celestial being, a force of nature that we can’t even begin to comprehend. I’m nothing to him, but a friend and someone he feels he needs to protect. I’m just human Sam.” Dean replied.

“So is he right now, and he will need you.” Sam said quietly.

Dean heard Sam, and he knew he was right, but the coward in him chose to ignore him. He could feel his walls shooting back up and he was okay with that as far as he was concerned this conversation was over.

“Dean…”

“We are done Sam. This conversation is over.”

“Dean please.” Sam protested.

Dean pulled himself up, knocking back the rest of his drink he needed a shower and too clear his head.

“We’re done. I’m going for a shower.”

Dean heard Sam curse as he made his way to his room, closing the door behind him leaning against it, letting out a deep breath. Taking a moment to gather himself, he finally dropped down on his own bed, closing his eyes forgetting about the shower he let himself drift off to sleep, Castiel very much the forefront of his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

Sam growled in frustration as he slammed shut the latest book he had been reading. He had found nothing that could help Castiel, nothing that told them who had taken his grace and why, he couldn’t even understand the ruins that had been carved into him. Though that could have something to do with the fact that Sam couldn’t bring himself to look at the photos of them. He had forced himself to take a picture of the brutal wording, but the fact that they lay bleeding so starkly against Castiel’s dark skin had made it difficult for him to study them. 

Leaning back in his chair, stretching his arms up as he did he sighed deeply. It was the afternoon of the fourth day since Rowena had left them. Meaning five days had passed since Castiel had been severely injured under his watch. He still hadn’t been able to shake the guilt despite Dean assuring him that it wasn’t his fault, and that Castiel wouldn’t blame him either when he woke. That was if he woke. 

Dean had roused Castiel just two nights ago to give him the last dose of Rowena’s potion and yet the angel still hadn’t woken, or broken from his fever. His brother barely left Castiel’s side, soothing him when his fevered dreams caused him to cry out in fear, a fear Sam couldn’t get use to seeing on the once warrior of the heavens. If Dean wasn’t doing that he was trying to get Castiel to drink some water during the rare moments he was lucid enough to swallow, or gently running a cold cloth over Castiel’s face, neck and chest to try and cool him down. And still Castiel didn’t wake, it was as if his body wouldn’t let him, that it was trying to heal quicker than it could. 

And then there was Dean. Sam was worried about his brother. After the conversation, where Sam had forced Dean to confess his love for the angel, Dean had withdrawn into himself. Sam could tell he was trying to ignore the feelings, and he knew that Dean wouldn’t speak to Castiel about them. It was tearing Dean up from inside seeing Castiel like this, Sam could see that, but his brother barely spoke to him and if he did it was to ask about the research that Sam had failed miserably at. But the fact Dean had barely slept or eaten the last few days, and had been so tentative towards Castiel told Sam that he was struggling with the whole situation not to mention his feelings. 

Pushing his chair back, standing stiffly to his feet he decided that he would make Dean talk, and if that wasn’t going to work than at least make him go have a shower, eat and get some rest. He would watch over Castiel, he needed a break from the books anyway. He made his way down the hallway of the bunker to the room that had become Castiel’s. Pushing open the door he paused taking in the scene. 

Dean’s head was rested on folded arms, his body hunched uncomfortable over the desk in the room, he looked like he was sleeping, which Sam supposed was something. His eyes moved to the other person in the room. Castiel was still sleeping. Eyes closed tight his body shuddering with every breath, it clearly paining him to breath. Sam wasn’t surprised, the wounds on his torso had cut deep, the bruising underneath would be painful and they didn’t look like they were healing as quickly as they should have been. Sam almost didn’t want to disturb the scene, he brother was sleeping which was something. He was about to turn and leave when Dean stirred, lifting his head to look at Sam through blurry eyes.

“Sammy?”

“Hey. I just thought I would come and see how you were doing, if you wanted anything to eat. See if Cas has decided to grace us with his lucid presence.” Sam said, leaning agains the door frame as he did so.

Dean groaned as he moved to a more upright position and Sam winced listening to his older brother’s bones click as he did, they weren’t getting any younger. He watched Dean’s eyes linger on Castiel for a few moments, before he returned them back to Sam. He looked exhausted, and for the first time Sam really saw just how much his brother was suffering. Dean seemed to have aged ten years in the last five days. The fact the situation was something they hadn’t been able to fix yet was terrifying him, that much was clear and Sam wished he had something more for Dean. Castiel really needed to wake, at least that would be one less thing that would be plaguing his brother’s mind.

“Why won’t he wake up Sam?” 

Sam started slightly at Dean’s voice. He flashed his brother a small smile, shrugging as he did, he didn’t have an answer. 

“I don’t know Dean. But what I do know is that you need a shower and some food. And some sleep. Proper sleep in your own bed and not at the a desk.” Sam said firmly, noting the way his brother was about to protest. 

Dean seemed to want to argue, and Sam was ready for it. To his surprise though the fight left his brother quickly, replaced with a defeated slump in his shoulders as he nodded in agreement. As Dean stood, Sam moved round him to take the chair he had just vacated. Dean raised an eyebrow at him and Sam simply shrugged flashing him a smile.

“I know you wouldn’t be keen to leave him alone, so while you sleep I will stay here. I need a break from the books.” 

“But shouldn’t you try and get some shut eye Sammy? You have spent more time in the library then your room.” Dean pointed out.

“I have, but I also know that I have had more sleep then you over the last few days. Go Dean. I’ll be fine.

It was the smallest of sounds from the bed, but it was enough to make Dean stop his exit, and Sam to fix his gaze on his friend. Castiel’s fists closed tightly as he fought with something that neither of them could see. Dean didn’t move, Sam held his breath. This was different, this wasn’t Castiel fighting a fevered dream, this was him finally breaking from it.

“Cas?” Dean whispered

It took a few more minutes before Castiel finally opened is eyes. Sam let out his breath and he saw Dean visible slump in exhausted relief as lucid blue eyes danced between the two of them. Dean was still gripping hold of the door frame, and Sam wonder if his brother wasn’t sure to believe that the angel had finally woken up. 

“Cas. Are…can you hear us? Do you actually know who we are?” Dean stuttered, finally moving to sit back on the side of the bed. 

“Yes Dean. I know who you.” He croaked out a reply.

Sam reached for the water that was on the bedside table, as Dean reached over to help Castiel up into a sitting position. Sam handed Castiel the glass, keeping a light hold on it when he noted the way Castiel’s hands shook slightly. 

“I can do it myself thank you Sam.” Castiel snapped.

Sam was taken aback by the sharp tone and he exchanged a worried glance with Dean. Castiel had only just woken up, and no doubt he still felt like shit, but the cutting edge to his voice sent alarm bells ringing in Sam’s mind. Castiel was very much back in the present and he knew what was going on. It made Sam wonder if he had been more lucid over the last day or so than he had let on, just choosing not come back to them because he wasn’t ready to face his current reality.

“Okay” Sam said, pulling his hand away from the glass. “How are you feeling? You had us worried there for a while.” 

“Have you found my grace?” Castiel asked, ignoring Sam’s question.

Sam swallowed heavily. He hadn’t been expecting to address this as soon as Castiel woke, now he didn’t know what to say, or more to the point how to tell him that in five days they still hadn’t been able to figure out what they were dealing with, and Rowena hadn’t returned yet. They had failed Castiel again. The angel seemed to sense this, because the joy at seeing him awake came crashing down around them with his next outburst.

“You mean to tell me you have nothing? I thought…no I expected you both to have at least figured this out.” Castiel fired, pushing the covers off him and making a move to leave the bed.

“Whoa. No you don’t buddy, you’ve just come out of a fever Cas. You need to take it easy.” Dean tried.

Sam watched as Dean went to put a gentle hand to Castiel’s chest to push him back down on the bed, but it was pushed away with surprising strength. An icy glare had settled in his friend’s eyes, and Sam was sure he felt the temperature drop in the room despite the fact Castiel didn’t have his mojo. This guy was a warrior, a fighter and above all else a Celestial being, despite the fact he didn’t have his grace at that moment. The presence that Castiel could inflict in the room would always follow him, especially when he was pissed. And right at the at moment Castiel was pissed. The vulnerability had gone, in its place was a volatile anger. It terrified Sam.

“Don’t touch me.” Cas hissed. 

It was an order, and one that carried a threat. Dean backed off holding his hands up in surrender. 

“Okay Cas. But you need to take it easy. You aren’t you at the moment, and you aren’t well or strong enough to go hunting for this alone. At least have a shower and have some food then we can talk about this.” Dean tried to reason with him, though he shrunk slightly at the look Castiel sent him.

“Do not tell me what to do Dean. You are both clearly out of your depth with this. So I will do it on my own.” 

Castiel pushed himself off the bed, stumbling slightly as he made his way to the door. Dean went to move to go after him, but Sam leant across the bed stopping him. He shook his head at Dean. Castiel wouldn’t get far, and they just had to wait till he admitted defeat, which despite his stubbornness, Sam knew he would eventually. 

“Where do you think you are going Castiel?” 

Sam closed his eyes in relief at the voice that had managed to stop the angel in his tracks. When he opened them again he saw Dean still sat on the bed, Castiel gripping onto the door frame, his knuckles white from the effort and Rowena looking up into his eyes. 

“You need to listen to what Dean says. You cannot go out there looking for something you are not strong enough to fight. Now go and get yourself showered and then we can all sit down and talk about how we are going to get your grace back. And while we do you will eat something. You are human now, you need to eat and drink and rest like we all do. Understood.”

“I…uh….” Castiel stuttered, his eyes looking at the floor.

Sam had to bite back a small laugh, the change in his friend just from the appearance of the witch was amusing. He knew despite his protests Castiel did respect the Rowena, and considering he didn’t have the strength to fight her right now Sam knew Castiel would listen.

“Come on Cas. Let me help you to the bathroom, you can borrow some of my clothes.” Dean offered, seemingly to snap out of his shock at Castiel’s outburst.

Castiel didn’t protest any more, instead he simply nodded and let Dean take his arm and support him down to the bathroom. Once they were out of earshot Sam turned his attention onto Rowena. The look on her face was grave and she looked exhausted.

“He can’t come with us Sam. It will be too dangerous. But he also can’t be left alone.” She said simply.

“I know. I figured as much. What did you find?” 

“I keep my word, we will wait until Castiel is sorted before I tell you all.” Rowena replied.

Sam signed deeply, following her towards the library hoping that it wouldn’t take Dean long to sort Castiel out. This had gone on for far too long, and if the last few moments was anything to go by, Sam wasn’t sure any of them were ready to deal with a depressed, volatile angel who had lost his juice for a second time.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words. Sorry for the delay in the update. I have three stories on the go as well as studying and working. 
> 
> But here is a nice long emotionally driven chapter. Poor Casitel’s emotions are all over the place and Dean isn’t sure how to deal with the angel. 
> 
> Enjoy and stay safe
> 
> Bex  
> X

“How is he doing?” Sam asked as Dean entered the library.

Dean shrugged, picking up the bottle of whisky and a glass as he passed, before slumping down onto one of the chairs. Sam waited patiently as Dean poured himself a glass, downed it in one and the poured another, ignoring the raised eyebrow from Rowena. Sam guessed that Castiel’s mood hadn’t improved in the last twenty minutes.

“Still pissed?” Sam pressed.

“You have no idea Sammy. He is…he is difficult right now. I just left him to it.” Dean replied.

“Wow aren’t you the sympathetic friend. What, he was easy to deal with when he was sleeping? Now you have to actually…keep him leashed you bail.” Rowena mocked.

“Cas never has been and never will be on a leash for your information.” Dean sniped back.

“I beg to differ.”

“Enough. Can we please stop the snipping and figure out what we are going to do?” Sam interrupted.

“Couldn’t have put it better myself Sam.” 

Sam turned at the voice of his friend, jumping up and making his way over to where Castiel was swaying slightly from the effort of showering and dressing himself. Sam shot Dean a glare, he really shouldn’t have left Castiel on his own. Sam reached out to help his friend to a seat, only aborting his actions at the icy look in Castiel’s eyes.

“Don’t touch me. I am perfectly capable of taking a seat. And no, I don’t want a drink or anything to eat.” Castiel snapped.

Sam held up his hands in surrender. He glanced over at the table seeing both Dean and Rowena watching the angel warily. Sighing deeply, he took his own seat turning an expectant gaze onto the witch. It was Castiel who spoke first. 

“So where do we have to go, and who do I have to kill to get my grace back.” He fired. 

“You aren’t going anywhere Cas.” Dean replied.

“I don’t believe I was talking to you Dean.” Castiel snapped.

Sam watched Dean go to protest but caught his eye and shook his head slightly. It was best not to argue with Castiel when he was like this. Not yet anyway. Sam had been on the receiving of Castiel’s sharp tongue many times, and so had Dean. Luckily, Rowena stopped Dean from ignoring his brother and making things worse.

“No, but you were talking to me and I will tell you the same thing. You aren’t going with us Castiel. It’s too dangerous. I thought these witches extinct. But it seems they have found a new way to boost the mortality so to speak. You will be pleased to know it wasn’t a personal attack on you Castiel. Not so much anyway, but they are after what remains of the angels. They want your grace, it keeps them powerful…”

“How long do we have to find them? Before they use all of Cas’ grace?” Dean interrupted.

“Until the next full moon. My informative said that they have enough of the stuff from others for now, and that his has gone into storage so too speak. Castiel is more powerful than what they normally go for. They will be saving his grace to feast upon the full moon as a celebration, and as a way to pull more power in. Nothing is more pure then that of the grace of an angel.” Rowena explained.

“Do you know where they are?” Sam asked.

Rowena shook her head.

“No and believe me I tried to find out, but the person I spoke to wasnt willing too give up much more information. There is someone else we can try, but I’m not willing to go alone this time.” 

“Then I’ll come with you.” Castiel announced, pushing himself unsteadily to his feet.

Dean was up before Sam could stop him, rushing round to stand in front of Castiel. Hand pressed firmly against his chest ready to push him back down. The angel’s eyes narrowed dangerously, and Sam had to give his brother credit, for not folding under the glare. Rowena didn’t dare move, her eyes also fixed on the scene, waiting to see how this would unfold.

“Castiel you are not going anywhere. Haven’t you heard us? Are you not listening? These witches are dangerous. Hell, they nearly killed you. You can barely stand, let alone go out there to fight.” Dean told him.

“Get out of my way Dean.” Castiel hissed.

“No. Not this time. Sam will go with Rowena, and me and you will stay here and research and help them anyway we can through books and the internet.” Dean said.

Sam could see emotions playing out on Castiel’s face, his body trembling. He wanted to intervene, but he knew he couldn’t. This was Dean’s fight. 

“Look Cas I know this is hard…”

“Do not pretend to know how ‘hard’ this is for me Dean. Because you have no idea. None. And you know what I’m waiting for, you to just cast me out again. I am of no use to you without my ‘juice’ that’s how it works isn’t it?” Castiel spat.

Dean stepped back slightly at the venom in the harsh words spoken, and Sam saw the hurt in his brother’s eyes. That had been a tough blow, one that hadn’t needed to be dealt and he felt a rush of anger towards Castiel. They were just trying to help him. Ungrateful bastard.

“That wasn’t fair Cas. I was wrong, but Sam was dying. What was I meant to do?” Dean muttered

“I don’t care. Now. Get. Out. My. Way.” Castiel snarled.

“No.” Dean said, folding his arms, holding his friend’s glare easily.

Castiel brought his hand back and went to fly a punch at Dean. Sam went to move, ready to pull the angel off his brother, but he needn’t have worried. Dean easily caught Castiel’s hand, gripping it tightly in his own. Pain flashed across Castiel’s face, as he struggled to pull free from Dean’s grip.

“You don’t even have the strength to hit me Cas. We are staying put.” Dean told him calmly.

No-one dared move, too scared to break the tension that had settled over the room. Finally, Castiel’s shoulders dropped his gaze fixing on the floor. When he spoke his voice was laced with defeat and it broke Sam a little.

“Let me go Dean.”

Dean had seen the fight leave his friend as he let Castiel’s wrist go. Castiel didn’t say anything, instead he turned his back to them and made his way slowly towards the rooms.

“Cas wait…we’ll fix this…Cas…” Dean called after him.

“Shit…”

“Let him calm down. This isn’t easy for him Dean. Let’s figure out what we are going to do and what we have so far. Then me and Rowena will head off come morning.” Sam suggested.

“He wont be easy to keep here…”

“I will put a spell that means he can’t leave. Or he can only leave with you. You can come and go as you please but Castiel….”

“Will be kept in lock down? Great. That’s going to be great. Keeping a celestial being locked up when he is so use to be so so free.” Dean snapped.

“He can leave with you Dean. So maybe you can take him out every now and then. You know it’s for the best. It’s the safest way to keep him out of danger and alive.” Sam soothed. 

Dean simply nodded in response, taking a seat back at the table. Sam flashed him a slight smile, not knowing what else to say. He just hoped they could do this in time, he didn’t even want to begin to imagine what would happen to Castiel should they not get his juice back. He wasn’t ready to be human permanently.

“Here. You look like you need this.” 

Dean sighed deeply taking the offered glass of whiskey from his brother. Sam was right he did need. Hell he needed the whole god damn bottle, after returning back from Castiel’s room. 

“How did it go?” Sam asked

“It didn’t. He wouldn’t talk. Just turned his back on me and closed up.”

Dean took a long drag on his drink, closing his eyes briefly as the liquid slid down his throat relaxing him almost instantly. He had been drinking a lot more recently he noticed, and he totally blamed it on Castiel. His angel was going to be the death of him.

“Where is Rowena?” Dean asked, noting the absent witch.

“She had to go and get some last minute things, she said she would be back by dawn.” Sam replied.

Dean hummed in response, eyes cast down into the amber liquid he was slowly swirling in the glass. His mind still in the room he had just left. He couldn’t shake the image of his best friend, curled up, back against the door looking utterly defeated. He hated seeing Castiel like this, hated knowing he was hurting and not knowing what he could do to make it easier for him. Castiel wasn’t meant to be injured, he wasn’t meant to be human. He thought back to the first time he had met Castiel. How powerful he was and impressive and down right beautiful. An insane force of nature, and absolutely terrifying. Earth had tamed him a lot, but he still scared Dean at times. He was an unpredictable creature. Dean had been right in what he had said to Rowena. Castiel had never been on a leash and he never would be, you couldn’t tame the winged beast, and Dean would never try.

“Dean are you with me?” Sam called to him.

Dean shook himself slightly realising that Sam had been talking to him. He flashed his brother an apologetic smile, taking a sip of his drink.

“Are you going to be okay with him?” 

Dean shrugged, knocking back the rest of his drink, and reaching over to pour himself another, topping Sam’s glass up as he did so.

“What other choice do we have Sam. He can’t go with you, and he can’t be left on his own. It makes sense for me to be the one to stay. You know witchy stuff, you’re the better person to be with Rowena. Plus I think she has a thing for you.” Dean said, smirking at the last bit.

“Dean! What…why would say that.” Sam exclaimed

Dean just shrugged in response, sending his brother a knowing look. Sam was stopped from saying anything more by a crash and a loud curse coming from the kitchen. Dean shared a concerned look with his brother before they both got up and made their way to the noise.

“Shit.” Castiel cried.

Dropping down on the floor, he went to start clearing up the glass his had just dropped, his grip not strong enough. All he had wanted was some water and he couldn’t even do that properly. As his hand brushed against the glass he felt his skin split open, and more blood poured from his body. Seeing the red liquid drip from his hand was the last straw. He was over this day, he was over everything. He had been through so many emotions that he shouldn’t be feeling in the space of hours. Now he was just exhausted. 

“Cas?”

He heard footsteps enter the room, but he didn’t move from where he had pushed himself against the fridge. Instead he kept his eyes closed because if he let them open he would just cry and he was done with the tears. Right at the moment he wished that the witches had killed him when they had taken his grace. He was useless.

“Damn it Cas.” Dean muttered.

Castiel felt him sit next to him, and take his hand in his own. Dean’s touch was warm and comforting as ran his fingers over the slice on his palm. Castiel kept his eyes shut, forcing himself to focus on the sensation from the person he was stupidly in love with. The fact that Dean didn’t know and would never know, and damn well didn’t feel the same just added to Castiel’s despair. Damn he was in a bad head space right now.

“This isn’t deep Caa. Let’s get it cleaned up and bandage. Come on.” Dean said.

Castiel felt himself being hauled up from the floor and guided over to the table. He sat heavily down on one of the chairs. Dean vanished for a moment to go an get what was needed to clean up yet another wound on him. He found himself watching the blood drip through his fingers as he held pressure on it, fascinated by it.

“Cas? You with me?” Dean called out to him.

Castiel forced himself to look up at the hunter, he could see concern in those beautiful green eyes of his, and he took a deep breath forcing himself to snap out of the trance he seemed to have slipped into. What the hell was wrong with him. Even he was getting whiplash from his emotions and moods right now.

“Yeah. I’m here. Can you get me some water please Dean. I just wanted some water.” Castiel replied, assuming that Dean had asked him a question of some sort.

“Right. Sure…” 

A glass appeared in front of him as Dean sat opposite him, pulling his hand across the table. Castiel watched as his friend tended to his wound with the same tentative care he had shown to him since Sam had brought him home. A wave of guilt washed over him as he remembered the words he had spoke to Dean hours ago. He had seen the hurt that had flashed in his eyes at them, at the time he hadn’t cared but now he did.

“Dean. I’m so sorry about what I said earlier. It wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have said it, I know you wouldn’t cast me out. I know. I believed you when you promised me you would figure this out…”

“Cas stop. It’s fine forget it. You were right, I don’t know how hard this is for you.” Dean stopped him.

Castiel wanted to say more, but Dean flashed him a gentle smile that made his heart flutter and rendered him speechless for a moment. Dropping his gaze quickly so it didn’t look like he was staring he watched Dean wrap a bandage round his hand, Castiel grabbed the glass of water with his other, gulping it down quickly.

“Do you want something to eat?” Dean asked him.

“No. I think I might just get some more water and head back to bed.” Castiel replied.

He stood and made his way to the sink. He suddenly wanted to be far away from the hunter. Dean was playing havoc with his human emotions and body, and he didn’t want Dean to notice. 

“Do you need a hand…”

“No, I’ll be fine. Goodnight Dean.” Castiel interrupted him.

He saw a look of hurt flash briefly over Dean’s face, but it was gone just as quick a forced smile in its place.

“Call me if you need anything Cas. Remember its just you and me from tomorrow.” Dean reminded him.

Castiel nodded, before leaving the kitchen quickly. He didn’t need reminding that for the next god knows how long he would be alone in the bunker with Dean Winchester. The man he had been in love with since the day he had pulled him from hell. He didn’t know how to feel, and not for the first time that night did he wish that he hadn’t survived the attack.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken a while to come. Been working on my other stories, and also studying for a complete career change. I am also back to work next week so updates will be slower.
> 
> You can check out my other stories if you fancy. All Destiel driven, but each different in their own way. ‘Here with me’ and ‘Sounds of Someday”
> 
> I am currently working my way through supernatural but only watching the episodes with Castiel in, so my muse is very much in a good place to work on these stories.
> 
> Anyway a very emotionally driven chapter. And a little insight to just how unpredictable our angel is, and also how little control he has over his emotions.
> 
> Thanks again for all you support my lovelies.
> 
> Stay safe and take care  
> Bex  
> X

“Right well we’ll be in touch as soon as we find anything. You two take care of each other, don’t going doing anything stupid. And make sure Cas gets better.” Sam said

Dean raised an eyebrow at his brother at his words. Sam simply shrugged flashing him a slight smile. Dean was more worried about Sam. Him and Rowena were heading completely into the unknown with the added pressure of a time limit on finding Castiel’s grace. Dean had it easy staying put and looking after a broken angel. Okay maybe he didn’t have it so easy.

“No last minute snipe Rowena?” Dean asked, turning to the witch.

“You may need to dig a little deeper to help your broken angel Dean.” She told him.

“What’s that meant to mean?” 

“You’ll figure it out, you aren’t as stupid as you make out.” Rowena smirked.

Dean went to protest, but she simply patted him on the shoulder as she walked past him, Sam just shrugged again as he pulled his brother into a tight hug. Dean held onto Sam, he hated being separated, but there was no other way round it. Someone needed to be with Castiel. 

“Take care Sammy.” Dean muttered.

“I’ll be fine. Hey no sappy stuff Dean. Besides you will have too much fun with Cas, you will forget about me, if you know what I mean.” Sam winked.

“You best get your arse out that door before I kick it out myself.” Dean warned.

“Jerk.” Sam called as he made his way out the door.

“Bitch” Dean yelled back, the door slamming shut at his words.

The bunker fell into sudden silence. Dean glanced at his phone noting it was 8am and Castiel was still in his room. He had expected him to come out and see the pair off, but then again he had been up in the middle of the night with a terror that had taken Dean a good 10 minutes to wake him from. When Castiel had finally woken he hadn’t been that lucid and Dean had wondered if his fever had returned. To his relief though his friend had fallen back to sleep almost instantly and hadn’t woke since. 

Making his way to the kitchen, deciding to make a fresh lot of coffee and cook himself some breakfast, hoping that the smell might tempt Castiel out. He knew the angel had a thing for coffee, a taste he had acquired when he had been human the last time. Pouring a cup of coffee he leant against the side, keeping half an eye on the bacon sizzling next to him. Dean took a sip, looking up as Castiel wondered into the kitchen, rubbing sleep from eyes and looking like shit. Dean grabbed another mug, pouring the burning liquid into it and placing it down on the table next to where Castiel had sank down on one of the chairs.

“You look like you could do with that. Do you want some bacon?” Dean offered.

“No…I’m not hungry.” He replied.  
Dean stood watching him for a few moments, before transferring the bacon to a plate and bringing the plate to the table. He put it in the middle, his eyes never leaving Castiel, who just stared unseeingly into his coffee.

“That’s going to go cold before you even take a sip. Also you really need to eat something Cas. You haven’t touched food since you woke properly. You need to keep your strength up.” Dean told him gently.

Castiel brought his gaze up to meet Dean’s. Dean was proud of the way he didn’t falter at the puppy dog look in those blue eyes. But he couldn’t stop his heart sinking at how lost Castiel looked, and how exhausted he already was. Dean cursed himself for not having stayed with his friend the rest of the night, it was clear that Castiel hadn’t slept peacefully. This was going to be harder than he first thought fixing a broken angel. To his relief, Castiel took a piece of bacon and started nibbling on it.

“I thought that you would have come out to see Sam and Rowena off.” 

Dean helped himself to some bacon, watching Castiel closely. He didn’t know what to say. Sam was always good at these things, getting people to open up. Dean had no idea, even with Castiel, especially when he didn’t know what head space he was in.

“What’s the point? I can’t do anything to help them.” Castiel muttered, his gaze dropping back down to the table.

“Cas…” 

Dean trailed off as he noticed Castiel’s shoulders shaking. Dropping the piece of bacon he had been about to eat down on the plate, jumping up to kneel next to Castiel. Placing a hand gently to his friend’s knee.

“Cas? Cas talk to me. Let me help you. Tell me what I can do to help you.” Dean begged him gently.

Castiel’s eyes shot up to lock with Dean’s. Dean swallowed heavily, he looked devastated. Dean squeezed Castiel’s knee gently, never breaking eye contact with him. Dean went to say more but he was stopped by Castiel’s next words.

“I can’t do this Dean. I can’t do this again.” 

It took all of Dean’s will to not freak out at the meaning behind the words. Castiel didn’t want to be here, it was clear in his eyes. And it terrified Dean. Castiel wasn’t just depressed, he was suicidal.

“Hey….no…none of this talk okay? You are one of the strongest people I know. You can do this, and you aren’t on your own. Not this time.” Dean told him.

“You don’t understand…you don’t know what goes on up here.” Castiel cried, bringing his finger to his head tapping it as he spoke.

Dean went to reply, but was stopped as he was pushed violently to the floor, Castiel bolting from the kitchen. Dean closed his eyes briefly, before getting to his feet and following the fleeing angel. He caught up with him, grateful that Castiel was still too weak to get far. Grabbing him, pulling Castiel round to face him. Tears were streaming down Castiel’s face and Dean struggled to keep a hold on his own emotions. He couldn’t fall apart in front of his friend. That would only make Castiel feel worse. Instead he gripped both Castiel’s shoulders forcing his friend to stop. Castiel’s eyes were wild, and Dean realised that he was in full on panic mode. Whatever was going on in his head was terrifying him, and Dean didn’t know what to do to help, because he had no idea what the angel could see.

“Castiel listen to me….you need to tell me what is going on up there so I can help you.” Dean begged him. “Cas please. You need to calm down. You need to breath.” 

Dean was aware of the rapid rise and fall of Castiel’s chest as he struggled to get air into his lungs. He could feel him shaking in his grip, sweat collecting on his forehead. He was also aware of the wounds still so raw on Castiel’s chest, and Dean was sure that he was going to pass out on him.

“Get off me….let me go….get off me. You don’t understand.” Castiel screamed

He managed to pull away from Dean, stumble in his attempt to get to the door, Dean caught him just before he hit the floor, wrapping his arms around Castiel’s body not caring any more about the injuries. Just desperate to try and settle Castiel.

“Then make me understand. Cas. Please….let me help you.”

“I can’t…they won’t leave me alone….” Castiel sobbed, falling heavily against Dean as the both sunk to the floor. 

Dean cast his gaze to the ceiling, keeping a tight hold on Castiel as he cried, rocking him slightly in an attempt to sooth him. He had to bite his own tongue to stop himself from letting his own tears fall. This episode had escalated without warning and started so quickly that Dean didn’t know what had triggered it, which meant he didn’t know how to stop it happening again. It also meant that he couldn’t let Castiel out of his sight for fear of what would happen should he not be there when he snapped again.

It seemed like a lifetime, but finally Castiel’s tears subsided. Dean was pleased, his joints were starting to protest from sitting on the floor with the dead weight of a 6ft angel sprawled over him. 

“Okay Cas. We need to get up. Come on. I got you.” Dean said.

He pulled them both up, dumping Castiel in the chair that was in a small corner of the library. Grabbing a blanket he wrapped it around Castiel’s shoulders before pulling up his own chair to sit opposite him. Dean tapped Castiel’s knee to try and ground him, but his hand was pinned in place as the angel gripped it tightly, bloodshot eyes gazing at him.

“I’m sorry Dean. That wasn’t fair….you shouldn’t have…” 

“Stop Cas. Don’t you dare say that I shouldn’t have seen that, because that is bullshit. It’s just me and you here for a while, my attention is completely on you and I want to help you. But I can’t do that if you don’t talk to me. How many times do I have to tell you Cas? You aren’t on your own. So talk to me.” Dean told him firmly.

The shadow of a smile that teased Castiel’s lips soothed Dean a little. At least for now he had gotten through to his friend, whether he would the longer this went on for he wasn’t sure. But he had to focus on each day as it came, he saw that now, and get use to the whiplash that was clearly going to come with a human Castiel. He hadn’t known Castiel much when he had been human before, but he knew how sassy and blunt Castiel was as an angel, now he had a whole new set of emotions to deal with Dean could only imagine that those traits were going to be heightened.

“So…you going to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the love.
> 
> The next two chapters I loved writing I really did. I got me in the feels as I wrote them and I hope you guys feel it too.
> 
> Hope you are all staying safe out there.  
> Bex  
> X

Castiel surveyed Dean for a moment. He wasn’t entirely sure how much he was willing to reveal to the hunter. Dean had asked him to be honest, and lets face it the state he had just let himself get into had been embarrassing but yet Dean had stuck with him. Held him as he sobbed and now he was not shying away from the grip on his hand. Castiel took a deep breath, hissing as he did so. His chest, in fact his whole body, was so sore. His wounds really weren’t healing as well as he was hoping and he had noticed that morning that the biggest ruin on his chest was looking quite angry, and there was an unsettling heat round the stitches, no doubt infected. Castiel hadn’t told Dean about it for fear of worrying him, but he realised that he might have to, because it hurt like hell.

“Dean…can I ask a favour first? Can you get me some pain medicine.” Castiel asked him.

“Of course. You wait here okay. Don’t move. I will be back in a moment.” Dean replied.

Castiel simply nodded. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to. He didn’t trust his legs at the moment. His break down and sudden panic attack had worn him out, to be honest he just wanted to be back in bed. Maybe he should ask Dean to help him back to the comfort of his room.

“Here you go. How you feeling?” Dean asked him.

Castiel took the offered water and tablets, knocking them back quickly. This was one of the more unpleasant parts of being human, the sickness, having to swallow round pills that he wasn’t so sure worked. He was sure that a lot of was psychological, that the tablets made you better. He pondered Dean’s question as he continued to sip the water, wondering how to answer it. The gentle, concerned look in Dean’s eyes stirred something within Castiel, and he knew he couldn’t lie to him. Not any more. Not saying anything he lifted the tattered shirt his was wearing up to reveal the wounds on his torso. Dean flinched, his eyes widening at the sight.

“Damn Cas. These are infected.” 

Castiel winced as Dean’s fingers moved over the wounds, worry creasing his brow. When he reached the biggest ruin on his chest Castiel let out a whimper, even with the slightest touch it hurt. Dean sent him a sympathetic smile, pulling away from him.

“That one is pretty bad Cas. I can clean it but I think we may need to get you some antibiotics or something.” Dean told him.

“No…no doctors Dean. I don’t want to go to the hospital.” Castiel pleaded with him.

“Okay, well let me give it a good clean, and we can keep an eye on it for a few days. But if it doesn’t get better then we are going to have to get you better help. And while I fix you up you are going to talk deal?” Dean proposed.

“Deal.” Castiel muttered.

He watched Dean disappear again. Tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling, he could feel his mind dipping back into his hell, and he tried to think of more positive thoughts. It wasn’t easy, things weren’t great for him at the moment. The only saving grace was the fact he was stuck in the bunker with Dean.

“Cas? You okay buddy?” Dean called to him.

Castiel shook himself mentally, and brought his gaze back onto the man sat once more in front of him. Dean flashed him a smile, tugging slightly at his t-shirt which had dropped back down covering his wounds.

“It will be easier if you removed this. Also as we aren’t going out any where probably easier to keep clothing off your top part. It will give the wounds a chance to heal. You can borrow my house robe if you get cold.” Dean offered.

“Or maybe I can get my own. No offence Dean, but I know how much you like that robe, plus when was the last time you washed it?” Castiel replied.

Dean bristled and narrowed his eyes slightly, turning to mix up what ever it was he was creating in a bowl of hot water. Castiel couldn’t help but smile, he looked adorable.

“I wash it…when it needs to be washed…look I was only offering I don’t offer that kind of luxury to anyone… I won’t be that nice in future.” He huffed.

“I appreciate it Dean. I appreciate all of this, but I’ve always looked at that robe and wondered what it would be like to have my own. Never really needed one when I was an angel.” Castiel replied.

He tensed as Dean placed the clothe on his skin, the water stinging his wounds. This was not going to be comfortable, and he wasn’t just meaning the pain, having Dean so close, and touching him so tentatively was doing also sorts to Castiel’s body. 

“Well then once I have done this we will get online and order you a robe and whatever else you need or want. I want to make this as comfy as I can for you Cas. Looking at the wounds you are likely going to be out of action for a while, we need to figure out what we are going to do to pass the time.” Dean told him.

“Oh I can think of a few things.” Castiel muttered.

“What?” 

Castiel bit his lip as Dean looked up at him, catching him by surprise. He thought he had said it quiet enough that he wouldn’t be heard. How wrong was he? He knew he was blushing, he could feel the heat creeping across his face. Dean’s green eyes were watching him intensely, only making Castiel feel more uncomfortable. Remembering that Dean had asked him to be honest, Castiel took a deep breath and repeated what he had just said louder.

“I said. I can think of a few things.”

Dean raised an eyebrow a slight smirk on his lips. He had stopped what he was currently doing. Which Castiel was pleased about, he had just hit the ruin on his chest, and it was stinging like hell, but the current closeness and situation was easing that pain just a little.

“Really? Like what?” Dean asked, curiosity lacing his words. 

Castiel would never know what came over him in that moment as he leant in and kissed Dean Winchester on the lips. All he knew was that to him it felt right, and that it needed to be done. Dean had wanted his truth and he was getting it, in the best way Castiel could tell him. But as he pulled back he felt all the confidence leave him, instead a panic settled inside as he looked at the shock on Dean’s face. He had been wrong. What had he done? He felt his flight mode kick in, and with strength he didn’t realise he had, pushed himself up from the chair.

“Cas. Castiel wait.” 

Castiel heard Dean call after him, but ignored him pushing himself to get away from the biggest mistake he had probably ever made. What had made him think it was okay. He never had been able to read human emotion well, never understood the signs and this was one mark he had well and truly overstepped. 

He felt a strong hand grip his arm forcing him to stop. Clearly he hadn’t be able to get away fast enough, because Dean’s face swam into his view as he stepped in front of him.

“Cas…”

Castiel felt himself start to panic more. He felt trapped, like he was being backed in a corner and his mind snapped. Dean wanted to know the truth. Wanted to know what was going on in his head. Well he was about to get it.

“You want to know what’s going on in my head? It’s you. And the fact that I don’t deserve you, or Sam or anything. I don’t even deserve to be alive. I love you Dean. I always have, but there are voices that tell me that I don’t have any right to feel that way about you. That every bit of pain you have suffered since I have come into your life is my fault because I was meant to watch over you and I can’t even do that properly. I don’t deserve love. I should be dead. But instead I have been brought back time and time again, to just suffer, and long for you to care. You want the truth. I don’t want Sam to find my grace, in fact I just want to die. I am done with living and ruining everything and everyone I touch. Especially you…” Castiel cried.

He had to stop, he was struggling to breath and he just wanted to lock himself in his room curl up and cry. He was so done. He didn’t care any more.

“Cas…just calm down.” Dean pleaded with him

“Let me go Dean.” 

There was a hidden meaning behind his plea, and he could tell by the look in Dean’s eyes he heard it too. He could see that he was hurting Dean still and he couldn’t deal with it any more. 

“I can’t do that Cas. I’m not ready to let you go.” Dean told him gently.

Castiel let out a whimper and pulled back hard, dislodging Dean’s grip. Holding his gaze for a moment longer, before pushing past him and making it to his room. He slammed the door shut, sinking down on his bed letting the tears fall. Dean hadn’t followed him, but he heard the hunter curse loudly. Castiel curled in on himself and cried until his tears subsided and he fell into a fitful sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love on this story. I am really enjoying writing it. Here comes the update for this week, and I will also be updating my other two stories too.
> 
> Hope you are staying safe out there guys.  
> Bex  
> X

Dean stood frozen in place for a moment. His mind trying desperately to process what had just happened. What was happening. Castiel had kissed him, the angel he had never thought loved him the way Dean did him had just kissed him. And what had Dean done? Nothing. He had done nothing. He realised now how pathetic he had sounded trying to plead with Castiel to listen to him. He hadn’t done it with much conviction. But in his defence he was still in shock from the fact that Castiel had kissed him. Instead Castiel had freaked, and vanished into his room and Dean was still stood like an idiot in the hallway, while the poor guy was probably confused and no doubt terrified as to what had just happened. Then there was what Castiel had confessed to him. Just thinking back on his words made Dean feel sick. The angel was in a bad head space, clearly worse than he had been when he was human before. Now he had taken a huge step in dealing with an emotion Castiel probably had no idea how to cope with, Dean wondered how the poor guy was still sane. 

Dean went to turn towards Castiel’s room, but was stopped by the buzzing of his phone in the kitchen. He was torn between going to the angel and answering the phone. It stopped ringing and started almost immediately again. Suddenly thinking it was Sam in trouble, he almost ran into the kitchen. Grabbing the phone he saw in fact it was his brother ringing him.

“Sammy? Are you okay? What’s wrong?” Dean fired.

It had been only, he realised he didn’t know how long it had been since Sam had left, Dean glanced at the clock it read 11am. He suddenly felt exhausted. It had been three hours since Sam had left, and Castiel had freaked out on him twice. He also hadn’t finished treating his wounds. He would have to face Castiel after he had spoken to Sam even if the angel didn’t want him too. The wound on his chest was badly infected, Dean needed to clean it otherwise Castiel would end up in hospital.

“Dean I’m fine. I just wanted to check in and see how Cas is. He wasn’t awake when we left, and I’m worried about him.” Sam replied 

Dean sighed deeply. How honest was he going to be with Sam? Damn it. He knew his brother would know if he was lying even over the phone, and besides it had only been a few days ago when he had admitted to Sam his feelings for Castiel.”

“He’s not in a good place Sam. In the last three hours he has flipped out on me twice. The first time I have no idea why…but the second time….shit Sammy, I don’t know what to do. He isn’t just depressed, he’s suicidal. He even told me he doesn’t want you to find his grace. I am scared he is going to end his life before you have a chance to bring his battery back.” Dean confessed.

He dropped down on one of the chairs in the kitchen, not bothering to wipe the tears that had started to fall. He could hear the car door closing and Sam muttering something to Rowena. They had obviously stopped to fill up or something. The engine didn’t start telling Dean that Sam wasn’t planning on cutting this conversation short.

“What happened the second time Dean? Where is he now?” 

“He’s in his room. Sam...he kissed me. I was cleaning his wounds, which the one on his chest is looking bad, but I was cleaning them and well he just kissed me.” Dean replied.

There was silence on the other end. Dean waited, holding his breath, waiting for his brother’s reaction. When Sam did speak he could hear accusation in his tone.  
“What did you do Dean? When he kissed you how did you react?” 

“Like an idiot. I didn’t do anything Sam. I just sat there, I didn’t respond, I did nothing. Then when he bolted and I managed to stop him I was pathetic. Then he just snapped, he just told me how he felt. That he didn’t deserve to have us, to love me, to be happy. That he had failed us as a guardian. Basically he said he wanted to be dead. And that’s not the first time he had said that today. And then I just let him go…” Dean trailed off.

“Dean you’re an idiot. You’re going to get off this phone and go straight to him and tell him that what he did wasn’t wrong. Don’t you dare ignore your feelings. Castiel has been honest with you. It’s time you are with him. He sounds like he is going to need a lot of support right now, and you can’t help him if you can’t be honest with how you feel. It’s about time you two got together. Dean he reached out for you. That was his cry for help. So help him so that when we get his grace and bring it back to him he will accept it. He is going to be so confused with the heightened emotions, you will need to help him work them out. Dean you need to teach him how to be human…properly.” 

Dean could hear the engine roar into life, telling him that Sam was going to hang up. He understood and for once he was going to listen to his younger brother, he was going to stop running and let himself have a small chance at some happiness.

“You and Cas both deserve a little happiness Dean. Enjoy this bit of time together. Neither of you can hunt right now, so saviour it and work on your relationship. And send me a picture of his wound on his chest. I will tell you if you need treatment beyond what we can give in the bunker.” 

And with that last order the phone went silent. Sam had gone. Dean sat for a moment letting his brother’s words wash over him. Sam was right, they had the chance to build on this foundation without any interruption. Taking a deep breath Dean stood and made his way to Castiel’s room. He paused outside knocking gently one the door.

“Cas? Can we talk.” 

The silence sent a wave of panic over Dean as he opened the door. He let out a breath of relief on seeing Castiel on his bed. He was curled on his side facing the door. His eyes shut, but he was breathing. Dean walked in, closing the door behind him. Picking up the blanket from the floor he placed it over Castiel. He had clearly cried himself to sleep and Dean felt guilt rush through him. 

“It’s okay Cas. I will be here when you wake and then we will talk properly. Things are gong to change now. For the better I hope.” 

Dean settled back on the bed, closing his eyes and let himself drift off. It had been a hell of a morning, he needed a little more sleep before he had to deal with the full force of his feelings.

He stirred a few hours later, opening his eyes trying to figure out what had just woken him up. It didn’t take him long to find the answer, glancing down to his left seeing big blue eyes staring up at him. Dean flashed Castiel a smile stretching as he did so.

“Hey Cas.”

“Dean? What…why are you in my room. Why are you on my bed.” Castiel asked him.

Dean could see confusion and fear in his eyes, and he knew he had to tread carefully. Castiel was so fragile right now, that much was clear. Dean needed to make it better not worse, but he had a way of putting his foot in it. At least he was lying on the side closest to the door, so if Castiel tried to bolt he could stop him properly this time. His eyes flicked down to angry red skin on Castiel’s chest, reminding him that his wound really needed to be treated.

“I’m going to go and get the stuff to carry on cleaning up your wounds. Then we can talk, about everything okay?” Dean replied.

Dean could see the questions in Castiel’s eyes, and he would answer them all once he had made him more comfortable. Dean flashed Castiel a reassuring smile, leaning in and brushing his lips against the angel’s own. It felt so right and he cursed himself for not having done it sooner. The change in Castiel was instant, the fear left his eyes, and his features relaxed a little.

“I won’t be long.” Dean said.

He made quick work getting rid of the water they had been using previously and making up some more. He grabbed his phone on the way back to Castiel’s room, remembering that Sam had asked him to send him a picture of Castiel’s wound. He hoped they wouldn’t have to go to hospital. That was one thing he wasn’t sure he could deal with, and it would only freak Castiel out more. 

Returning back to the room he found Castiel propped up against the pillows on his bed, the blanket was placed just below his waist leaving his torso in full view. Dean swallowed heavily, the sight always making him feel physically sick. The fact that someone had carved into that perfectly flawless skin while Castiel had been awake was something he couldn’t comprehend. He could only imagine how painful it must have been, and how painful it was now. 

Sitting down on the side of the bed, placing the first aid equipment on the side table, he held up his phone. Castiel sent him a confused look, a look that Dean knew so well.

“Sam wants me to send a photo of the one on your chest. It’s pretty bad Cas. I want him to look at it and see if he thinks we need to take you to a hospital.” Dean replied to his silent question.

At the mention of the word hospital the panic returned in Castiel. Dean was quick to reach out and place a gentle hand to his shoulder.

“Cas…it’s going to be okay. If he thinks we need to go, then we will face it together okay. It’s okay.” Dean assured him.

Castiel settled under Dean’s touch, and Dean took the photo sending it to Sam. Then he turned back and began his work again on treating Castiel’s wounds. Aware of those piercing blue eyes watching his every move, and of the way his muscles tensed at Dean’s touch. He hated that Castiel was hurt, and that he couldn’t just fix it like the all the times Castiel had fixed him.

“Dean. I’m sorry about earlier…I just…you asked from my truth.” Castiel finally spoke. 

Dean didn’t say anything at first, instead he finished off his work. Placing the clothe back in the bowl, he finally turned his attention on to the one person he loved just as much as he loved his brother.

“Don’t ever apologise Cas. I just wish I could stop that pain. I wish you had told us earlier how you are feeling. Do you feel like this when you are an angel?” Dean asked.

Castiel dropped his gaze down to wear his hands were linked together. Dean reached down and place his own hand over them. Castiel didn’t look up at him as he nodded in response to Dean’s question. Dean closed his eyes briefly, that wasn’t what he had wanted to hear. It meant that Castiel had been feeling like this for some time.

“But it’s not as strong when I have my grace. I suppose I’m stronger and can push it away, heal myself I guess from the pain.”

“But it’s still there. How long have you been feeling like this Cas?”

“I don’t know Dean…a long time.” Castiel admitted.

Dean placed a finger under the angel’s chin forcing him to look up at him. He ran his thumb gently over his lips, never breaking eye contact with the beautiful blues that always seemed to see so deep into the human soul.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Dean questioned gently.

“Because I didn’t think I mattered enough. I was there to heal you, or guide you, or recently become a hindrance. You didn’t need a depressed, broken shell of an angel becoming more of a burden on you.” 

Dean was stunned into silence. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the shinning ones that gazed back at him. He knew Castiel was speaking the truth, and it felt like a stab to the heart. Castiel really though himself worthless, a burden, he saw himself as someone that was used when needed and Dean hated himself and Sam for what they had done. For making Castiel feel that way, and in doing so they had nearly lost him.

“Cas…I’m so sorry we made you feel like that. But you couldn’t be any further from the truth. We love you Castiel. I love you. I have done for so long, but I’m so much of a coward I just pushed my feelings down, ignored them and in doing so I hurt you. I have never been one to show my emotions, but maybe I should have with you. I just never believed a beautiful, powerful celestial being would love little old me back.” Dean told him.

“I’ve always loved you Dean.” Castiel replied simply.

Dean let his tears fall at Castiel’s simple but honest reply. He believed him. The love and trust held in his eyes said enough for Dean, and he engulfed Castiel in a tight hug. 

“I’m so sorry Cas. From now on we need to be honest with each other. We have time to work on us…we need to make use of it.” Dean muttered.

He pulled away from Castiel, keeping eye contact with him still, Castiel was crying too now, though Dean wondered if some of those tears were due to the fact he had hugged him pretty hard, his t-shirt rubbing against Castiel’s wounds.

“And Cas…I’m never letting you go…do you hear me. Never.” Dean whispered.

Castiel’s resolve crumbled then, and Dean simply pulled him close, running a hand through his hair soothing him, letting the angel cry. He knew Castiel had heard his meaning in his words, he knew because he heard that same hidden truth when Castiel had asked him to let him go earlier. Dean meant it, he would never let Castiel go. He now understood what Rowena had meant when she told him he would have to dig deep to help Castiel. He would fix his broken angel and no matter how hard it got, he would show Castiel he had so much to live for.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *NOTE* 
> 
> Trigger warning for this chapter. Reference to suicide and self-harm. Our angel isn’t in a great place right now.
> 
> Thanks for reading guys  
> Bex  
> X

Castiel woke to a burning pain in his chest, and the overwhelming feeling of needing to be sick. Dragging himself out of bed, stumbling into the hallway he just about made it to the bathroom, collapsing by the toilet to empty what little content was in his stomach. Leaning against the glass of the shower, he brought his hand up to his forehead. It was clammy and hot. Damn he was sick again, though he wasn’t sure he had recovered the first time. He felt anger surge through him. Anger at not being able to heal himself. Anger at being such a burden on Dean. Anger that someone else had to hunt his grace, while he sat weak and pathetic on a cold bathroom floor. He could feel his body start to shake violently, his naked torso protesting to the chill, the angry red ruin on his chest weeping, it was definitely infected. Nothing Dean had put on it seemed to be helping.

At the thought of Dean his mind flashed back to that morning. Castiel remembered flipping out on the hunter not once, but twice. He remembered kissing Dean. Remembered spilling out his truth, admitting he loved Dean and he wanted to die. He remembered Dean kissing him back, treating his wounds, promising he wouldn’t let him go. But yet when he woke Dean hadn’t been there, and Castiel didn’t blame him. Because of him Dean was also stuck in the bunker. Castiel didn’t resent him for not being there when he had woken, he was sure Dean had only said those things to sooth him. A glimpse of silver caught his eyes on the sink. A razor. It would be so easy to just end it. That way he would no longer hold Dean and Sam back. Even if he got his grace back, Castiel knew he would never be at full power. What was the point of a half-juiced angel?

Castiel carefully pushed himself to his feet. The room spun dangerously, his legs shook as he moved slowly to the sink, grabbing it tightly to balance himself. Lifting his head he made the mistake of catching himself in the mirror. Dull, bloodshot blue eyes stared back at him, sunken in too pale skin that showed the lines of illness and stress. Stubble covered his face, his hair messy and unkempt. He looked like death. Reaching for the razor, shaking fingers making quick work of taking apart, leaving in his hand the cold metal of the blade. He wasn’t even sure who it belonged to, he didn’t care. Legs not being able to support him any longer Castiel dropped to the floor. He felt hot tears spill down his face, he knew exactly what he was doing and where to cut.

“Cas! No!”

Before Castiel knew what was happening the blade was out his hand, thrown across the floor. A blanket dropped over his shoulders as strong arms pulled him close. The rush of body heat from Dean’s body swept through Castiel and he found himself pushing into it. He was so cold.

“It’s okay Cas. You’re okay.” Dean soothed.

“I’m sorry Dean. I just…I can’t…” Castiel trailed off.

He couldn’t form words because he wasn’t sorry for wanting to do it. He was sorry for letting Dean down again. He was just one big failure as an angel and a human. He felt Dean tighten his grip around him, felt his lips brush against his temple as he did.

“It’s okay my angel.” 

“I’m not an angel Dean.” Castiel whispered.

“You are Cas. Losing your grace doesn’t make you any less of an angel. You need to believe how special you are to Sam. To me. You’ve changed us both for the better Cas. I just need you to see that, but I don’t know how to make you.” Dean said.

Castiel didn’t reply. He could hear the emotion in Dean’s voice. The way it shook slightly, begging him to see what he saw. But Castiel couldn’t, he was so deep in his darkness he couldn’t see past his self-hate. He felt a slight tug on his arm snapping him out of his dark thoughts. He looked up realising that Dean was looking down on him, he hadn’t even realised he had left his side.

“Come on. Let’s get you somewhere warmer, and somewhere I can take a proper look at your chest. Can you stand and walk?” Dean asked.

Castiel shook his head slightly. He didn’t trust his body right now.

“Not on my own.”

“That’s okay buddy. Come on. Lean on me Cas. My room is the closest and my bed is the most comfy. Let’s get you there, then we can talk some more okay?” Dean suggested.

Castiel just nodded, letting Dean help him up and take his full body weight. He felt the world spin and he wondered if the witches that had done this to him had poisoned him. He wouldn’t be surprised. Something was stopping his body from recovering even as a human.

Dean lowered him onto the bed. Castiel shivered slightly, pulling the blanket on his shoulders tighter round himself. He closed his eyes as Dean placed his hand to his forehead. 

“Damnit Cas. You’re burning up again.”

“I feel cold though. Dean I think something is really wrong.” Castiel muttered.

“Okay. I’m going to go and get you something to make you feel better, and some more blankets. I wont be long. Don’t you dare move.” Dean told him.

Castiel hummed in acknowledgment, eyes still shut. He had no intention of moving, the last bit of energy he did have was gone. All he wanted was to sleep and hopefully never wake up.

Dean pulled his phone out his pocket, pressing speed dial to Sam as he headed to the kitchen. He couldn’t shake the image of Castiel with a razor in his hand. He knew if he had been moments later he would have found the man he loved bleeding out on the bathroom floor. It terrified him how close he had been to losing Castiel. His angel was alive, but he was sick, so sick both physically and mentally.

“Dean? What’s wrong?” Sam greeted him.

Dean took a shaky breath as he dropped down on one of the kitchen chairs. Mirroring the same position he had been in earlier that day when he had spoken to Sam. He cursed himself for having left Castiel alone. The angel had been sleeping peacefully and Dean needed to feel useful. So he had gone to the library to bury himself in research that might be able to help Sam and Rowena. 

“Dean?”

“It’s Cas. Sammy he’s getting worse. He’s burning up again, but he says he’s cold. His wound is weeping, and it looks worse than this morning….”

“Dean you need to get him to a hospital. I did tell you that this morning when you sent me the picture.” Sam told him firmly.

“I can’t Sam. I promised him no hospitals.” 

“We all break promises at times Dean, and I know how hard this will be for Cas. But he needs medicine we don’t have in the bunker.” 

“Sam I can’t…

“What’s happened Dean?” Sam interrupted him.

Dean sighed deeply. He hadn’t wanted to tell Sam about Castiel nearly killing himself, but he knew he had no choice. Sam might be able to help him, give him some advice on how to help Castiel.

“He was going to kill himself Sam. If I had been a few minutes later I would have found him bleeding out on the bathroom floor. His mental state has just spiralled out of control so quickly I don’t know what to do or say to him.” Dean told him quietly. 

There was a few moments of silence, in which Dean stood and made his way back to his room. He stood in the doorway watching Castiel sleep. The rise and fall of his battered chest wasn’t doing much to settle him. There was a sheen of sweat on the angel’s skin, his body trembling from the chill. Dean knew Sam was right, Castiel needed medical care. 

Finally Sam spoke into the silence reminding Dean he was still on the phone.

“Dean you need to get him to hospital. His depression, his mental state will be worse because of the infection he is trying to fight. At least at the hospital they can keep him sedated so his mind can rest and his body can heal. Then when he comes home you can work on helping him with his self-worth. I will help you as best I can while away. But Rowena is right, only you can really help him Dean. You’re the only one he completely trusts.”

“I know Sam. I will take him now. But I’m not leaving him.” Dean agreed.

“Then don’t. Figure out a way you can stay with him. Maybe mention his mental state a little, but not that he tried to kill himself. That will open a whole set of doors we really don’t want to open.” Sam told him.

“I’ll let you know once he’s settled. I’ll call you later.” 

Dean didn’t wait for Sam to reply. Hanging up the phone he headed into his room, sitting on the edge of his bed, placing a hand to Castiel’s forehead. He was sure he was hotter than he had been a few moments ago. 

“I’m sorry Cas. But you need help. You are far too sick for me to be able to treat you here.” Dean muttered. 

Castiel didn’t stir as Dean stood, grabbing an over night bag from his wardrobe. He rummaged through his clothing to find Castiel some warm comfy clothes. He didn’t know how long he would be in hospital, but he wanted him to be comfortable. Once he had dumped the bag and some fleece blankets in the Impala he returned back to his room. Taking a deep breath he moved back to the bed. It was time to wake Castiel. It was time to break his promise.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not too sure on this chapter. Have written this on the end of a long weekend here in NZ, one that included my birthday and GISH.
> 
> I don’t know about you guys but I need to get lost in these stories at the moment. The world is hurting and this is a much needed escape.
> 
> So here is this weeks update. I am hoping to get my other stories updated through the week too.
> 
> Thank you so much for all your support.
> 
> Stay safe.  
> Bex  
> X

“Dean.”

Dean jerked awake at the whisper of his name. Blinking a few times, letting himself get his bearings, before fixing his gaze on the bed his head had just been resting on. Blue eyes stared back him, still shinning from fever. Dean flashed a light smile, stretching out his body as he did so.

“Hey Cas.” Dean greeted him.

Castiel reached for Dean, and he took the angel’s hand in his, squeezing it slightly. He knew Castiel wasn’t really with it, but the fact he had woken up and acknowledged him was enough for now. 

“You have to let me go Dean.” Castiel muttered, his eyes closing again.

“That’s not going to happen buddy. You’re going to be okay. It’s going to be okay Cas. Sam is going to get your grace back.” Dean assured him.

Castiel’s eyes flew open again, wide with sudden panic. Dean held his breath, keeping a tight grip on Castiel’s hand to try and ground him. A beep from his heart monitor alerted Dean to the fact the Castiel was heading into a full blown panic attack, and he now knew how quickly they escalated. Reaching his other hand out, placing it gently against Castiel’s chest, right over his heart. He could feel it hammering, and Dean willed it to calm.

“Cas…Cas look at me. I need you to look at me. I need to breath my angel…please.” Dean begged him.

To his relief Castiel turned his gaze onto Dean. Those piercing eyes locking onto Dean’s own. Dean found himself breathing steadily, noticing that Castiel copied him. It took him a few attempts to catch his breath, but once he did and picked up on Dean’s rhythm he soon settled.

“That’s it. You’re okay Cas. You’re safe.” Dean told him.

“You can’t leave me Dean. Please.” Castiel pleaded.

The desperation in his voice broke Dean’s heart. Reminding him of all the times he had let Castiel down, had left him alone when he needed him the most. He wouldn’t ever do that again to him. Not now. Not now they had taken their relationship a step forward. Something that should have been done well before now.

“Shhhh. I’m right here Cas. I promise okay. I’m not go anywhere. I love you too much to let you down again.” Dean promised him.

Castiel didn’t say anything, his eyes closing again. Dean felt the grip on his hand loosen, telling him that Castiel had fallen asleep. Dean leant back in his chair, not letting go of his lover’s hand. He wished he could fall asleep as quickly as Castiel. He needed it, but he wasn’t about to go back on his word. He would stay with Castiel. There was a cot in his room, but right at that moment he the physical reassurance that his angel was still alive. 

Dean ran his other hand over his face, sighing deeply. The last hours had been a struggle, getting Castiel to the hospital had been a challenge in itself. The angel freaking out at the thought of it, amongst his fevered delirium, and depression it had made his understanding of how sick he was impossible, Dean had at one point considered knocking him out. When they had finally got into the Impala and driven to the hospital Castiel had quietened, his fight having taken the last of his energy. They hadn’t been asked any questions, a nurse seeing them walk into the waiting room had taken Castiel from him and rushed him though to the emergency room. Dean had been grateful, he had all but carried Castiel into the hospital, the angel having been barely conscious. It had taken a good few hours before Dean had finally been allowed in to see Castiel. Hours of them treating his wounds and stitching them up properly, hooking him up to all sorts of iv lines and monitors, and then talking to Dean privately asking him all the questions he had expected. Dean had done what Sam had suggested, playing a little on Castiel’s mental state to be sure he was able to stay in his room. He had also managed to avoid them getting the police involved, despite the doctor’s best efforts. 

Dean hadn’t known how long they had been alone, how long he had slept before Castiel had come round, he didn’t know what he expected. Maybe he had hoped that he would be a bit more lucid, but Dean reminded himself that it hadn’t even been 12hours of medical care. He also realised he hadn’t rung Sam. Pulling out his phone, he flicked Sam a quick message telling him he would call him in the morning. He was to tired and emotionally drained to talk to his brother. Instead he leant forward resting his head once more on the bed and letting himself drift back off to sleep, never once letting go of Castiel’s hand.

Dean was woken again by a bag of food landing on his lap, and a coffee shoved in his hand as he sat up. It took him a few moments to register what was going on, his body tensing knowing someone else was in the room with him and Castiel. He glanced at his sleeping lover, before letting his eyes sweep the room, they landing on a red head girl sat next to him. 

“Charlie?” Dean questioned.

“That’s me. Figured you hadn’t eaten for a while and that you needed caffeine if you are planning on camping out here.” Charlie greeted him.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asked.

“Sam called me. Told me what was going on. He’s worried about you Dean. So he asked me to come and check on you. Offered me a bed at the bunker if I was willing to help you two hopeless humans out.” Charlie told him honestly. 

Dean didn’t say anything, instead he pulled out the breakfast bagel that Charlie had dumped on his lap and nibble at it. He wasn’t really that hungry but he knew if he didn’t eat Charlie would just tell Sam and he couldn’t be bothered to deal with his brother right at that moment. 

“How is our angel doing?” Charlie asked gently.

Dean shrugged, fixing his eyes on Castiel as he ate. 

“His fever is still high, but he has antibiotics being pumped into him and god knows what else. They also sorted out his wounds they already look better. So I guess he is doing okay physically. Mentally I am not so sure.” Dean replied.

“Sam told me that he tried to kill himself. It’s it true?” 

Dean simply nodded, he didn’t trust his voice. The image of Castiel with a razor blade in his hand was still so raw. Instead he carried on eating in silence.

“Dean I’m sorry.” 

“What else did Sam tell you Charlie?” Dean questioned her.

“He told me everything. About the attack, what him and Rowena are doing, about you and Cas. Which is must say it’s about time. But I know everything. I needed to if I am going to help both you two and Sam and Rowena.” Charlie replied.

Dean flashed Charlie a tired smile, he wondered how lucky they had got to have found her. She truly was special. A sound from the bed broke their chat. Dean chucked the remainder of his food on the side, reaching out to grab Castiel’s hand, his other gently moving through his love’s hair. Keeping his eyes on Castiel’s face, wondering if he would wake or if it was just a fevered dream. The pain that crossed Castiel’s face told Dean that he was caught up in some mental battle. He wished he could reach into Castiel’s mind help him fight the demons. Squeezing his hand tightly, hoping that Castiel would feel it, draw on the touch to sooth his pain.

“You’re okay Cas. Charlie is here too. You’re safe.” Dean muttered.

“Why don’t you try and wake for us Cas?” Charlie tried.

Dean watched as she stood and moved round the bed, taking hold of his other hand. He smiled at her sadly. He was so glad she was there.

“Dean?” 

Dean returned his gaze back to the bed, Castiel was staring up at him. To Dean’s relief he’s eyes were clear, he looked more lucid and he wondered if there was still a little of Castiel’s grace left in him, just enough to latch onto the medication and speed up his body’s reaction to the drugs. 

“Hey Cas. How you feeling?” Dean greeted him.

Castiel let out a small groan, pulling himself into a more up right position. Charlie let go of his hand and reached over to help him. Castiel flashed her a grateful smile.

“Thanks Charlie.” 

“No problem. So how are you feeling?” Charlie repeated Dean’s questioned.

“I don’t know. Sick.” Castiel replied.

Dean bit down on his lip, noting the way Castiel’s shoulders dropped down in defeat. Placing the back of his hand to Castiel’s cheek, forcing him too at him. He was glad that his skin didn’t feel as hot to the touch, but he definitely wasn’t clear of the fever just yet.

“I’m sorry Cas. I know I promised you no hospitals. But you were too sick for me to ignore any longer. I couldn’t help you.” 

“I don’t blame you Dean. I knew that I wasn’t getting better. I suppose I don’t feel as bad.” Castiel muttered.

Dean dropped his hand from the angel’s face, reaching over to place it on Castiel’s hand that had started to scratch absently at the wounds on his chest. Dean knew they would be itching like hell, but at least with proper care and medical stitching they were finally healing. 

“Don’t do that my angel.” Dean soothed. 

“Cas…how are you really doing?” Charlie asked gently.

Dean could see the confusion on Castiel’s face, before he realised what she was really asking him. Panicked eyes flicked back to Dean, and Dean squeezed his hand tightly. He knew now why Sam had really asked Charlie to stay with them. She was like Sam when it came to emotions, she would know how to bring Castiel down from a panic attack, and what to say to calm him. She would be able to help Dean learn how to deal with the mood changes that came with the depression Castiel was clearly suffering.

“It’s okay Cas. Charlie is here to stay while Sam and Rowena are away. She’s here to help, and she know everything that’s happened.” Dean assured him.

Castiel nodded slightly, reaching for Charlie’s hand with his other one. Dean knew what he was doing. He was seeking physical comfort, and he remembered Castiel did that when he was unsure about something, it was something that had stayed him from the last time he had been human. 

“Don’t lie to us Cas. We need you to be honest, so we can help you the best we can.” Charlie said.

Dean flashed her a grateful smile. He knew Castiel was about to lie to them, tell them that it was okay. But in reality it really wasn’t okay. They couldn’t skirt around the fact that he had wanted to kill himself. Castiel didn’t look at them as he spoke, keeping his gaze fixed on the sheets covering his legs. 

“You can’t help me Charlie. No-one can. Not right now anyway. I’m tired, and I don’t have the energy to fight the demons that taunt me on a daily basis. I will. I promise I will, but the medicine they have me on, it at least keeps the quiet for now.”

Dean glanced at Charlie who flashed him a sad smile, shaking her head slightly. Dean nodded in response, he knew she was telling him not push Castiel any further. His answer to Charlie’s question had been hard to hear, but Dean took some solace that for now Castiel wasn’t suffering with his mind at that moment.

“Why don’t you get some sleep Cas. I want to talk to you doctor and see how long they think you will be in here for.” Dean suggested.

He let go of his hand, standing to brush his lips against Castiel’s. It was the first time that he had shown his affection in front of someone and he didn’t care. He knew Charlie wouldn’t judge, but it wouldn’t of mattered if she had. It felt so right. 

“I love you Cas…we’ll figure this out. It’s going to be okay.” Dean whispered against his lips.

Castiel simply nodded, sliding further down onto his bed, his eyes closing. Dean waited till he was sure that Castiel was asleep. Charlie coming to stand next to him as the both watched the angel settle in silence. It didn’t take long for Castiel’s breathing to level out, he still sick enough that it didn’t take much to exhaust him. Dean walked out the room, leaning against the wall letting out a long breath. Charlie was next to him in moments, closing Castiel’s door behind her so that they wouldn’t wake him.

“Wow.” She breathed. 

“Yeah. He’s in a bad place.” Dean muttered, rubbing his eyes with his fingers. God he was tired.

“We will get him out of Dean. But right now you are going to go back in there, get into the spare cot they have in the room for you and you are going to sleep while he does. I will speak with his doctor and see if he will give me an idea when we can take him home. The sooner the better.” Charlie ordered.

Dean didn’t have the energy to protest. He was exhausted and he knew he needed some proper sleep. He wouldn’t be any use to Castiel if he could barely function himself. Instead he turned and hugged Charlie tightly, before making his way back in the room. Checking that Castiel was still asleep, placing a gentle kiss to his head, Dean collapsed on the cot, feeling himself drift of into a deep sleep almost straight away.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you always for reading and sticking with this story. I know most of you like finished stories so thank you for supporting this.
> 
> I am actually becoming super busy with working on my book schedule for the next year or so and studying and working full time. But I promise I will finish this story and my others. I know where this one and ‘Sounds of someday’ are headed, so they will be finished.
> 
> Stay safe.
> 
> Bex  
> X

“I’m an angel of the lord you know that right? I don’t need to eat, and I don’t need any more of your damn medicines. They are doing nothing for me. They aren’t even touching me. This wire…why am I still attached to it.” 

Dean closed his eyes as he stepped onto the ward, Castiel’s angry voice ringing clear around it. The angel was pissed. Dean almost turned round and left but a voice stopped him.

“Don’t you dare Dean. He is your boyfriend. You go in there and sort this out. Tell him to shut up or they are going to have him admitted.” Charlie ordered.

She grabbed his arm pulling him to Castiel’s room, shoving him in. Dean side stepped as a nurse left quickly, a slight look of fear in her eyes. He wasn’t surprised he had been on the receiving end of Castiel’s mood, and that was when he had been an angel. Even as a human he still terrified Dean, especially when he was upset. 

“Cas. You need to stop spurting out about being an angel. The doctors are going to start thinking you are crazy, and we already have them asking difficult questions.” Dean told him.

He kicked the door shut, taking a seat on one of the chairs. Flinching slightly as Castiel fixed and icy glare on him. Castiel was getting over the hospital, Dean didn’t blame him. It had been four days since he had been admitted, and as the days had passed his mood had got worse. Castiel was not one to be caged.

“I’m telling the truth how is that crazy?” Castiel snapped.

“Cas…just stop okay. I know this sucks…”

“No you don’t Dean. You don’t know anything. You have no idea what its like for an angel to lose their grace. So how about you shut up. In fact you don’t have to be here.” Castiel interrupted him, fixing his gaze out the window.

Dean ran a hand over his face, taking a deep breath to keep a hold of his temper. He was going to have to tread carefully, if he was going to defuse this enough that could get Castiel home. That was what he was coming to tell his boyfriend, that he was going to be discharged that day. But he knew he wouldn’t be if he carried on behaving how he was. 

“Cas I came to take you home. I got told yesterday that as long as you were okay today we could get you out of here. But that could well change if you carry on telling everyone that you are an angel.” Dean told him

Castiel turned his attention back onto Dean, eyeing him suspiciously. Dean held his gaze steadily hoping that what he had said would at least subdue him enough to get him discharged. 

“Are you telling me the truth Dean? Or are you just saying that to shut me up?” Castiel asked.

“I’m telling the truth Cas. So if I let the Doctor back in will you behave, so that we can get you discharged?” Dean said.

Castiel dropped his gaze nodding slowly. Dean watched the anger leave the angel. Getting up so that he could lean in to brush his lips against Castiel’s cheek.

“Charlie has been shopping. We got you a robe like mine, some nice comfy pillows, lots of them I know how you like to nest. Foods you like. The bunker is ready for you to return Cas. I’m ready for you to come home.” Dean told him gently.

“Send the doctor in Dean. Just take me home.” Castiel muttered.

Castiel wondered into the kitchen a few hours later, after having a shower he had unintentionally drifted off to sleep. Waking with a start, deciding that he should probably try and eat he had pulled on his new robe, relishing in its soft material, and gone on a hunt for some food and Dean. Instead he found Charlie in the kitchen stood over a pot of something cooking, Castiel wasn’t sure what it was but it smelt amazing.

“Hello Charlie.” Castiel greeted her.

Charlie jumped slightly at his voice, turning to face him with a bright smile on her lips. Castiel found himself returning it, her light was infectious and he felt better just being around her. Taking a seat at the table, watching Charlie as she returned her attention to whatever she was cooking.

“What are you making? It smells amazing.” Castiel asked.

“I am making some chicken soup for dinner. Nothing that exciting. But I do have something you can eat now. I was about to bring it to you, but now I don’t need too.” Charlie replied.

Castiel couldn’t help but let out a small laugh as a peanut and jelly sandwich appeared in front of him. 

“Dean told me you liked these, so figured I would make you one. You haven’t eaten much. I got told that too, and we really need to build your strength up Cas, so that you are ready to take your grace back.” 

Castiel didn’t say anything, instead he ate his food quietly, aware of Charlie watching him closely from where she now sat opposite him.

“Where is Dean?” Castiel asked.

“He needed to go and get some more stuff, not sure what I wasn’t really listening to him. He won’t be long.” 

Castiel nodded idly, placing the other half of his sandwich back on the plate suddenly not hungry. 

“Charlie can I talk to you please. Ask your advice?” 

“Sure you can, but only if you finish off that sandwich. Do you want a drink?” Charlie replied.

Castiel realised that it wasn’t so much a question when a glass of water appeared in front of him, another glass filled with orange juice and some tablets came with it. He eyed the pills warily, he should have known he wouldn’t have been sent home empty handed, but he hadn’t remembered taking the medicine. Charlie must have sorted it out while he had been a brat with Dean. Not protesting Castiel finished off his food, downed the water with the tablets, but chose to ignore the juice for the moment.

“Good. Now we can talk. What do you want to ask?” 

Castiel licked his lips slightly, trying to figure out where to start about what he needed to know. What was happening between him and Dean was all new to him. Just experiencing the emotions swirling around inside his body was confusing and draining him at the same time, and it was this reason he wanted his grace back, at least as an angel he could just be and not have to have his mind messed with on a constant basis.

An hand on his arm brought him out of his thoughts, forcing him to look up to see Charlie watching him with a concerned look on her face. He realised that she probably thought he was in his dark place, and with what had happened recently he didn’t really blame her for jumping to that conclusion. He curled his hand round hers flashing her a tired smile.

“I’m okay Charlie. I know what you are thinking and don’t worry for now the voices of loathing are seemingly quiet. What I want to talk to you about is what’s going on between me and Dean. I don’t really understand and I don’t really know what to do. I mean I think he loves me, I’m pretty sure but I feel like it could just be because he feels he has too at the moment. That he feels it’s the right thing to say and do to keep me from…killing myself.” Castiel confessed.

“Cas. I can tell you now that what you are thinking isn’t true. In fact you couldn’t be further away from the truth. Dean loves you. He has for a very long time. He’s just been a coward about admitting it. All you are seeing and feeling is normal it really is. You just aren’t use to it, and that’s okay because that’s part of the reason why Sam asked me to come and stay with you both.” Charlie replied.

Castiel frowned slightly, not understanding what she meant. He didn’t know that Sam had called her to them, and he felt a stab of hurt that Sam didn’t trust Dean enough to keep watch over him. It wasn’t Dean’s fault that he had tried to kill himself, Dean had saved him. 

“Why did Sam ask you to stay with us? I don’t understand. Doesn’t he trust Dean to look after me?” Castiel asked.

Charlie laughter slightly, an endearing look held in her eyes. Castiel continued to frown in confusion. Humans really didn’t make sense to him at times.

“Nothing like that Cas. He knows Dean would protect you and look after you, but he also knows how useless his brother is at speaking his feelings. Knowing what had happened between you both I think he was worried that Dean wouldn’t know what to do and how to react. He doesn’t, that much is clear but he is trying. I get it and I’m here to help you both make sense of this new and amazing step in your relationship. And because I am pretty awesome at research. Dean can’t do both Cas. At least I can help on the hunt side of things and Dean can focus on getting you better.” Charlie explained. 

“I see.” Castiel muttered.

Charlie got up, walking round wrapping an arm around Castiel’s shoulder and planting a gentle kiss to his cheek.

“You are so loved Castiel. Please always remember that even in the darkest of moments. You’re never on your own. Me and Dean are both here, talk to us before you get to the point you were the other day.” Charlie begged him.

“I will.” Castiel replied quietly.


End file.
